" And the pastor's wife replied, "Not really. He's only
tried it twice. The first time he lost his hat and the second time he
got seasick."
Mans Gifts from god
One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad
news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is
called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems,
and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ
I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure
and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate
this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give
her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be
able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Golf Pro
One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided
to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding
shot.
Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it
straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into
a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky,
and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls
out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the
hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a
pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."
Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming
towards the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck
as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard.
Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the
water, the ball bounces on top of the water and rolls onto
dry land only 3 inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow,
that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark. The
wind started up, lightning and thunder crackled through the
sky. Suddenly a ball falls from the heavens into the same
water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit theirs. A fish
swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs
the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky.
Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto the
green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and
drops into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your
Dad plays!!"
A nun was walking along a lonely path when a man jumped out from
behind some bushes, grabbed her, and had his way with her. After he
was done, he said,
"Well, sister, now that I have had my way with
you, what will tell you tell your God?"
"I will say", replied the nun, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
I was walking along a lonely path, when a man jumped out from behind
some bushes, grabbed me and had his way with me, twice..."
"That is," said the nun, looking at him,
"if you are not too tired..?"
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh
God, I'm doomed."
There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms
out "No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at
your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in
front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief,
feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He
stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and
surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their
faces.
The voice booms out again "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."
PROJECT MEMO
to: Pastor Smithly
re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
Our church office staff has completed the 18 months of work
on time, on budget, and with a great deal of prayer. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in
every system in the church office computer.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have
completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now
implemented all changes to all programs and all data to
reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
We trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest,
none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us. But
we understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad
to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking
of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when
the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We'll await your direction.
Falling Grace
=============
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked
him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery
would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest
said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The
Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife
fell three times this week."
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and
young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water
and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at
Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old
nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday nightbath
had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily.
"I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked
the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked
me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided
my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if
the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven
would be opened to me and I would be assured of
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that the
glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me
it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40
years!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
320 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was
counting the offering he found his card in the collection
plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 310" .
Revelation 320 reads "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 310 reads "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,
too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's
liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said,
"Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her
voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed
the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was
'wasted'. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her
arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister
Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother
Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is,
me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding
in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the
three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven,
where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering
Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or
cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded
it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher
disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician
disappeared, as well.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing
up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to
Heaven.
(Moral? - Any idiot can go to heaven)
There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas
had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened
across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the
American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would
have it trained in a jiffy.
The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply
was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.
Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes
off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog
drops the stick at his feet.
"Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very
excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and
says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port
and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her
address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended
up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a
preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The
preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Ring ring...
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a catholic
Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a
priest.
God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at
Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted
your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of..
God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from
Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Retoric (Internet). Have your Ears
downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listed to a bum on the street that said that God was
asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of
hell.
God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith,
you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you
Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without
God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM)
and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the
passages about Judas.ini (c). you can also find some help in the Psalms
100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a
complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted
again?
God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose,
Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter
Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know
corrupting sources, you should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out allot, I
should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.
Ring ring...
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is sitting
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, Chum?
Guy: What do you think? I am in hell !!
Devil: Hell isn't all that bad really. We actually have a lot
of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Yes, sure, i love a drink or two in the evening.
Devil: Well, you are going to love Monday's then. On Monday all
we do is drink. Whisky, Guinness, Wine, Tequila, Vodka, in fact
if it contains alcohol, we drink it. We all drink until we throw
up, then we drink some more!
Guy: That sounds like a really wild time, i think i'll like Monday
Devil: Are you a smoker?
Guy: Of course, i smoke 20 a day
Devil: Cool, you will love Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from
all around the world, and we smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
no big deal, as you're dead already, so it won't kill you.
Guy: Wow ... That's brilliant!!
Devil: I bet you love to gamble too?
Guy: Why yes, i often have a flutter on the horses, aswell as a line
or two on the lottery.
Devil: Well, Wednesday is the day we gamble, any game you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Poker, Roulette, One Arm Bandits, Lottery, Football, Horses,
Dogs, or whatever.... Gamble all you want on Wednesday. If you go
bankrupt there's no worries, you are already dead, and all debts are
cancelled out from the selling of your soul to me. - What about drugs?
You do drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding?? Can't get by without an ounce or two... You mean
to say...
Devil: That's right... Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a large bowl
of crack, smack, weed, hemp, speed, or whatever. Smoke a stick the size
of a battleship if you feel the need to. You can do all the dope you want
to and get so high you'll think you've risen to heaven. And if you overdose
then, you guessed it, no problem, you are already dead - So who cares ! O.D
all you want, you'll wake up still here.
Guy: Wow! - I never realised that hell was such a great place to be!
Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No way! - I hate gays, i'd even cross the street to avoid one!
Devil: Ooooh... Now that could be tricky... I don't think you are going
to like Friday's.
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question
to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex
on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you
have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the
nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying his eyes out.
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's o.k., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to
a Halloween Party."
Confession
==========
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest says.
"Well," the man starts, "I used profane language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this profane language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 200 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away
in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of
forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the
green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %!$#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came
upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only
one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed.
I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep,
the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got
the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to
drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very
cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and
got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're
out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's
pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid
blanket!"
Three Catholic women and an older Jewish lady were having coffee. The
first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third old woman says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into
a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
As the little old Jewish lady sips her coffee in silence, the first
three
give her this subtle "Well...?" look, so she says: "My son is 6'5"; he
has broad, square shoulders, lean hips and is very muscular; he's
terribly
handsome, has beautiful hair, dresses very well and always smells
wonderful. Whenever he walks into a room, women say 'Oh, my God...'.
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,
"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the
earth,
so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a
brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now,
I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind
the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord,
that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to
make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?"
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve
behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to
create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty,
it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles,
beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp, trout, forests full of elk and
moose, high cliffs over looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
rivers stocked with salmon.."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants
prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the
most friendly people on the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these
Canadians?"
"Not really," replied the Almighty, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going
to give them!"
Adam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
Three priests are at a train station to buy tickets to Pittsburg. The
first priest says that he will take care of it and approaches the
window. Behind the counter is a gorgeous woman with huge tits and a
shirt cut so low that you can see her belly button. The priest says,
"I'd like 3 tickets to Tittsbu...Oh My"! He turns bright red, stammers
something, and steps back to his companions. The second priest says
that he will take care of it, and approaches the window. He says to the
woman, "I'd like 3 tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change
back in nipples and dimes". Realizing his error, he too blushes and
steps back to the other two. The third priest says, "I can't believe
you two, you should be ashamed of yourselves". He approaches the window
and says to the woman, "I would like 3 tickets to Pittsburg, and I would
like the change back in nickels and dimes. And might I add, young lady,
that if you keep wearing clothes like that, one of these days St. Finger
is going to come down and shake his peter at you"!
It seems that when God was making the world, he called
man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal
sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty >years of normal
sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man
could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him
twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested,
"Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have
the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the
Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion,
like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up,
"Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but
like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded,
"Can I have the other ten?" Which explains why man has
twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying
around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an
ass of himself.
A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated
from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he
needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom
and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover
the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that
this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw,
he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover
his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera.
The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange
was arranged. The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after
disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on
his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country,
one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked
that it was quite a unit. He then asked:
"How much did you pay for it?" "Ten thousand dollars."
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his
speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to
ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey
questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf
nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly,
"there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world ."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start
chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon
passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why
don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St.
Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and
library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a
HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time
he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and
comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are
going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his
clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room
before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this
clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks,
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to
use it as a fan."
The Heavenly Marriage
=======================
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night
before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an
automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates
of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of
weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and
said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven
but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our
wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get
married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard
of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll
have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you
an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the
guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where
they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and
said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to
get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much
wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty
said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will
consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third
time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord
again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This
Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the
main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride
was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River
Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But,
you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they
realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't
stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty,
this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the
Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it
took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you
have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"
How I Got Into Heaven...
------------------------
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong,
but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was
really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you
know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and
got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't
stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he
fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to
me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the
edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor
below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man
burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started
beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into
the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally
I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned
but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now
I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was
repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Two guys are in a hot tub at a hotel and they are skinny dipping.
Suddenly one gets very hungry and decides to run out to the hall to get a
candy bar. So he runs to the vending machines and buys 2 candy bars.
Just then, 3 nuns come walking down the hall. The man doesn't
know what to do. He is naked and the door to the pool is too far away.
So, he stands next to the vending machines and pretends he is one too.
The nuns walk up to the vending machines, hungry also. They are
not hungry for the usual junk and see the 'new' machine.
Nun #1 walks up to the man, sticks 2 quarters up his ass and pulls
his dick. He then drops a candy bar into her hand.
Nun #2 wlalks up to the man, sticks two quarters up his ass and
pulls his dick. He then drops a candy bar into her hand.
Nun #3 walks up to the man, sticks 2 quarters up his ass, pulls
his dick, and since he only had 2 candy bars, nothing happens.
So the nun gets all pissed off. She starts cussing and pulling on
his dick...just yanking it back and forth. After a while she stops, looks
at her hands and says, "Oh look ladies, Hand Lotion!"
One day Ronald took some time-out from his office job.
Later in the day when he returned to his office his
boss asked him, "Hey, Ron,do you believe in life after
death? An afterlife?" Ron was puzzled but managed
to answer: "Why.....Yes...I suppose I do!" The boss says
"Good. Because your grandfather was here looking
for you after you left for his funeral."
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the
sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took
a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "...
and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked
her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all
mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his
sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later
began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on
the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he
jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister said "That's right,
that's Right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister
got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second
child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said
"If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
