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When I am in a sober mood,
I worry, study and think.
When I am in a happy mood,
I gamble, fuck, and drink.
But when all my moods are over
and the world has come to pass,
I hope they'll bury me upside down.
So the world can kiss my ass.
Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out
to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above
the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and
waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they
both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other
and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was carring, didn't ya?
A kind of wierd college professor asked his class a question.
"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago
is 1060 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2177 miles
from Chicago,.... how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when
called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how
did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's
22, and he's only half nuts . . ."
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking,
hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and
immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel
a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy
up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he
can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to
do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an
uncontrollable wave a nausea passes through the little
guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over
the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big
guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over
him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if
he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist
promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day....
When I'm in a good
mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on
his forehead.
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked
the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap and nasty."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the
instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited,
he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled
the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He
started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that
cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to
no avail.
Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another
man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the
other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything
about skydiving?"
The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas
stoves?"
A man walks into a bar and offers the bartender some "Smart Pills." He eats
one and says, "I don't feel any smarter." He tries another, then another,
and finally eats a handful. "Hey these taste like rabbit shit!"
The man replies, "See, you're getting smarter already."
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test.
One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets,
and
threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital
when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging
his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard
ask:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems
with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the
ticket and said - 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard
of circle flies'.
So the farmer says- 'Well, circle flies are common
on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, ' Hey--- wait a minute, are you
trying to call me a horses ass?' The farmer says, ''Oh no, officer. I
have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even
think about calling you a horses ass.' The Trooper says, ' Well,
that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though.'
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing
about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to
scream for help.
A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please
save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes,
he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back
to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman
said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third
time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my
luck. How much do I owe you?
"My wooden leg was hurting me something fierce last night,"
complained Art, a Viet Nam Vet.
That's impossible," said his neighbour, "How can a wooden
leg hurt you?"
The vet replied, "My old lady hit me over the head with it
when I came in drunk."
In the Garden.
Standing there in the garden, she saw him running towards her.
"Tina! My flower! The love of my life!"
He'd said it at last.
"Oh, Tom !"
"Tina my flower!"
"Oh, Tom! I love you, too!"
Tom reached her, knelt down, and quickly pushed her aside.
"My flower! You were standing on my prize-winning rose!"
Shit - may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
Santa and the Little Angel
--------------------------
Santa was very cross, it was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going
right. Mrs. Claus burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining
about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the
toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and they were
dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for
a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of
my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have
a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he
isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door, and stepped in from
the snowy night dragging a Christmas tree. HE says: "YO! Fat Man,
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree came to
pass.......
Everyone farts, admit it or not. Kings fart, queens fart.
Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote
affectionately of a favourite Duchess who gave enormous dinner
parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper and quick as a flash she turned
her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.
"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace", he replied with unhurried dignity,
"Which way did it go?"
A young man was hitchhiking through one of the southern states. A farmer
driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along,
they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he
didn't drink very much. Moonshine would probably be too strong
for his tastes.
"Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind
him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the
lad. "Take a drink!"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don't think I care for any."
"No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some."
"No, thanks--really," said the young man.
The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and
grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and
roared, "I said, take a drink!"
"Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have
some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how
powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and
he made a choking sound.
"What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?"
"Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so."
Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now,
you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!"
A young man looking for work lands a job as a toothbrush salesman. After his
first day his new boss asks," How did you do son?".
"I sold one toothbrush" replied the young salesman.
"Boy what you need is a gimmick".
"Whats a gimmick" replied the salesman.
"A gimmick is something you do to get someone to buy something they really don't have a use for" said the boss.
The next day the young man comes in to the sales office and sees his boss agian.
The boss asks,"How did you do today boy?".
The young man replied excitedly" Sir I sold ten thousand toothbrushes!".
How did you do that asked the astounded sales manager.
"I got me a gimmick!" replied the young man.
"What was your gimmick ?"asked the manager.
"Well sir,it worked like this; I set up a table on the busiest intersection in town. Whenever the don't walk signal lit ,I offered the people that stopped chips and dip.
When they ate the dip, they said"this dip tastes like shit!!"
to which I replied "it is! wanna buy a tooth brush????"
On his first date with a beautiful woman, a guy decided to impress her
with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle
of
1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, the young man berated the steward. "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again
the young man was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 alright, but it's from the
Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and
said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in this
glass ?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the Young man
sipped at the drunks glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I
was born."
A new business was opening and one of the owner's
friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace".
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake
and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry, you should imagine this somewhere there is a
funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with
a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a
single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't
you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20
minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Fred got off the elevator on the 40th floor and
nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She
opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as
lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why
don't you play with Ginger while you're waiting? She
does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands,
sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this,
she'll jump through."
The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started
rolling over. Fred made a hoop with his arms and
sure enough, Ginger jumped right through -- and over the balcony
railing...
Just then Fred's date walked out.
"Isn't little Ginger the cutest, happiest dog you've ever
seen?"
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "she seemed a little
depressed to me."
The Ski Trip
A few friends were on a holiday ski trip. While on the
ski-lift on the way up, One of the women in the group
complained to her husband that she was in dire need of
a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure
there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the
form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He
was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you,
then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't
help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed
her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested
that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should
go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her.
The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she
headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do
her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know
there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you
don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward,
out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing
all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her
reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees and she was picking up speed all the while. She
continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating
an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back
under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
pull up her ski pants.
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie
show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the
ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an
obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So
how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I
was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe
my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of
control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of
her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over
to get a better look and I guess I didn't realise how far I'd
moved. I fell out of the lift.
"So how'd you break your arm?" he asked.
Just after he got married, This guy was invited out for a
night with 'the boys'. He told his misses that he would be
home by midnight......promise! Well the yarns were being
spun and the booze was going down easy and at around
3:00a.m., full as a boot, he went home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and
cuckooed three times. Quickly he realised she'd probably
wake up, so he cuckooed another nine times. He was really
proud of himself, having the quick wittedness - even
when pissed to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the misses asked him what time he got in
and he told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that
one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When he asked her why, she said: "Well it cuckooed three
times, said 'fuck it', cuckooed another four times, farted,
cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed
twice and then giggled..............I think it's stuffed,
don't you?"
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash
register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look
like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that
sign?"
"Because"; the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.
The clerk asks if he would like no name , Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian.
"How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk.
"We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."
THOUGHTS ON BEER
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo. When the
herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same
way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain
cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally
it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel
smarter after a few beers.
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the
first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens,
cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the
nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take
the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew
up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.
He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation,
turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in
the Congress . . . "
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!"
interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the
Pope . . . "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
THE MARINES
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it
was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and
snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good
evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with
the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that
I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and
responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type
of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private saluted again and said "Sir, Good trade Sir!"
"Cross-eyed Dog"
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him,
"My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"
"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look
at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman
carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out
the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of
them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the
extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man
then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands
folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to
purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to
split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50
years, and everything has always been and will always be
shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.
Duck Hunter
A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the
whole morning and couldn't get a single kill.
On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over
the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.
Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what
looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both
barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the
middle of a barnyard.
As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees
he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces
from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the
duck and heads for the house.
"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"
"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my
barnyard; it's MY duck."
"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot
it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"
"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says
the farmer.
"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.
"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says
the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is,
unless you're Yella."
"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.
"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're
on my property, I'll go first."
With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies
himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as
he can.
The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the
ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and
nearly dies.
After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the
hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained
voice says, "Now... my... turn!
The farmer reply "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."
Senior Citizens
***************
Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes,
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice
a week. How many can you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"
A guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick,... not
too thin, but in the groove, man,... in the groove!"
The cook hears this and gets pissed off, but just sends him the milkshake
without saying anything.
The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp,... not too soft, but
in the groove, man,... in the groove!"
The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves
and gets him the box of fries.
Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big,.... not too small, but in
the groove, man,... in the groove."
On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, "You can
just kiss my ass!! ..not too much to the left, ..not too much to the
right, but in the groove, man,... in the groove!"
A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained,
among other things, a screaming baby.
As the man proceeded
along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm,
George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."
A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are
certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to
quiet little George."
"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a
job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one- liner" "That's okay" replies the actor, "I've
been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?" "Hark I
hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's
the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor
arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts "Hark I hear the
cannons roar". "Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here
9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so happy he got the job that he
goes on a major drinking binge.
He wakes up 830 Saturday evening and runs
to the theater continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons
roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He
arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who are you?" asks the bouncer." "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar"
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar?", you're late, get up to makeup
right away. So he runs up to make up. "Who are you" asks the makeup girl.
I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar" You're "hark I hear the cannons
roar?", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick,
get down to the stage, you're about to go on" So he dashes down to the
stage. "Who are you" asks the stage manager. I'm "hark I hear the cannons
roar" You're "hark I hear the cannons roar?", get on there, the curtains
about to go up" So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is
full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT???"
This is a story about four people named Everybody,
Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important
job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry
about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody
blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have
done.
Answering Machine Messages
"Hi! I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message,
name and number, I'll call you back when I am..."
"Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding.
This is an answering machine. (etc.)"
"Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil."
(background noise - open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) "OK,
what would you like me to tell me?"
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone,
please leave your name, number, and Master Card,
Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to,
pending credit approval."
"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle
Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the
phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and
target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon
as we can. And have a nice day."
[imitating Ensign Chekov]
"Oh, sair...it was *Khan*! He made us say things...do things...he
kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin
was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will
get back to you as soon as he can!"
[imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to
the phone. Can you leave your name and number
when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure...I knew you could."
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you
doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK (really loud thud)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
number.
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
"This is (#include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a
moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR
SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll
have to get back to you later."
"Finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work?
Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and
the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
[Annoying flute music in background]
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available
right now. Your mission, should you choose to
accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at
the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty
seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
"Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name,
phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon
as he gets away. Read all about it in next
week's National Enquirer."
[In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other
church music]
(In a soft voice) Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial
a confession. At the tone if you will leave
your name, number and short confession I will get back to you
with your pennance. Thank you and may God go
with you.
Hi this is (name). I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I
call you back.
Uh...(wisperingly) Hello? Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just
about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give
me your name and number I'll..uh, I'll post it on the 'frige
where he'll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say
you live?
[with an Australian accent]
G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up
with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious...
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you
wish to invade, and the secret password.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke
signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow
real fast.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message
you leave will be broadcast into the future....
Hello. Lindsey's not home now--this is his domestic droid
speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so
just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as
possible.
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine.
This is the Eighties. You know what to do."
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your
number). CULATA!
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone
right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer
home on the French Riviera..."
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to
answer because we are either chasing, or being
chased by, bats. please leave a message..."
[the quiet, eerie vocal part of 'hello, earth' by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): "hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we
can't come to the phone right now because
we're at vespers. please leave a message..." etc. (30 more
seconds of music before the beep.)
[Spoken in a granny-drawl voice]
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets
like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call
and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey
don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."
"I'm home right now . . . I'm just screening my calls. So just
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to
I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (sound effect:
Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of Kleenex) But this
method doesn't work with a telephone call... (sound effect: dial
tone). Introducing the all-new GINSU answering
machine! It cuts, it chops,it slices, it dices your incoming
calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because
if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll
throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY
FREE!
"Hi, you have reached .... Please leave your name, phone number
and a message and if we like it we will return
your call".
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording
I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my
messages. Please leave one."
"Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have
instead reached..." (YA-DAAAAAAAAA!) "...the
ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get
back to you as soon as we can."
"Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all
possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I
can't, so if you could leave your name and number..."
"Hello?" (pause for a few seconds) "Sorry, he's not here right
now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to
you."
[Just after an earthquake]
"Hi, this is Jeff. We can't get to the phone right now because we
were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it?
But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it
eventually."
[Just after an earthquake]
"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and
we'll call you back and tell you what we got."
"Hello, I'm not hear right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new
parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll
be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice;
never try to clean a parakeet cage with a
vacuum cleaner."
[sound of loud music in background]
Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of
person running to click off music, which gets quiet.
sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi
there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well
listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and
I'll call you back.
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right
now because I've just come back from the Mirror
Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick
up the phone right now, the resulting energy
release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So
leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you
as soon as my component particles have been restored to their
normal charges."
"You know what to do at the tone."
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right
now. If this is our parents, we're at the library
studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is
John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the
party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party
and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president.
Yeah and the .... pope. Yeah that's it.
[in an Italian mafia-style tone]
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are
trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're
going to have to size it a little... HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW!
Anyways, leave your name and a
message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )... "
[Theme from "Indiana Jones" in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to
the phone right now, because we're cleaning
the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll
get back to you. [Theme from "Indiana Jones"
continues until the beep.]
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets. [b.g. sound very
exciting scary music, along with a kitten
crying in the background]
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this
small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will
complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The
choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder
what happens if I touch this... YOW!!
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone
NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're
listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe
for you to come out of hiding.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear
the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
your name, number, and a message.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak.
This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor,
Opus 72...
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right
now, so after the tone, please leave your name
and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me
what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange... mother... unicorn... . I'll get back to you with
my diagnosis as soon as possible.
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message,
and I'll get back to thee.
VOICE 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. VOICE 2: I'm sorry, Dave,
I can't do that.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar
bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and
how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this
message.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name,
number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with
absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in
vivid, graphic detail!
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and
telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the
alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
(beep, beep, beep) The number you have reached, Seven. Six.
Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. (Use your
number here.) has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY -- Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the
King died 10 years ago, but we know
he's still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and
number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!"
[In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice]
"I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you
please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees
and try your call again."
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense
Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give
coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance
will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit
will assume incoming, non-important."
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats
are able to answer phone, so at sound of
capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short
description of secrets you wish to sell."
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably
aren't at home.
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and
dial again!
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your
you-know-what you-know-when.
[slowly increase the pitch and speed of the voice while recording
the message to make it sound like the
machine is broken]
(start, low pitch, slow) "Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre
evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....(middle, normal)
.home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
.butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (end,
incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
.kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk
to my answering machine for only $.95 per
minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60
pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the
tone, and thank you for your pledge.
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded
and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will
be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation, however our staff
of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service,
and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
(BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds,
YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll
listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So
make it GOOD...
[Background: Something spacy--Try to sound like Carl Sagan]
Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here? (Normal
voice) I don't have the answer to these
questions, but you can give ME the answers at the beep.
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first
minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please
leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as
often as you wish."
"This is an answerin' machine, this machine is designed to take
full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please
say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow?
Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer
message after the beep."
Please make sure to leave your name, phone number and a message.
And, remember, this machine cannot hurt
you--over the phone, but I can if you hang up"
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so*
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory
capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone.
Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your
name and number after the beep."
"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
when the toast is done .... (Cachunk!)"
"Hi, this is (name)...I'm not here anymore because I've committed
suicide--so if it's about any money I owe you,
I'll see you in Hell!"
"You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to
speak with you right now because we either are
not here or don't feel like picking up the phone. If you are a
burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs
for your convenience."
[spooky music in the background]
"Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx,otherwise known as the
epicenter of the universe. No one is available right
now, but, if you'll leave your name, phone number, mastercard or
visa number, and message, your deity of choice
will get back to you as soon as is. . .humanly possible. Thank
you very much, and have a nice life."
[ in Michelangelo's voice]
Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero
Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm
afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the
Planet from boring answering machine messages,
but if you know where the Shredder is, or if you can think of a
decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and
number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet!
Enemy agents may be listening. When the
computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a
bleeping noise and you can speak freely.'
[imitating John McEnroe]
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've
missed me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you
stupid or what? Can't you get anything right?You people make me
sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back!
BEEP.
[imitating Sarah Ferguson]
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie...er (sound of hand being placed
over receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew!
What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello, this is the Duchess of
York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you
hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you
a tinkle when we get back - in November.
BEEP.
[imitating Elvis Presley]
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much
of anything right now because I've been dead
since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave
your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the
number of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler,
Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison...BEEP.
[imitating Mikhail Gorbachev]
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone
number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev,
General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious
Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist
Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the
Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the
Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of
Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the
Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me
Mike. BEEP.
[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger]
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest
moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein strings of
mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za
Predator...zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll
chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za
beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you
know. BEEP.
[imitating Margaret Thatcher]
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10
Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up
straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when
you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you,
how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after
9.30? We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we?
BEEP.
"Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX. If you wish to speak to Tim push
1 on your touch tone phone now. If you
wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you
have a wrong number push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything
but it is a good way to work off anger and makes
us feel like we have a big time phone system."
"Hello this is the (Last Name) residence, we're in the middle of
a family fight right now. Leave your name a
number at the beep and whichever one wins will call you right
back."
Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep
or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or
regain consiousness, whichever comes first.
Hi, this is Dave. By getting this message instead of the person
you were originally calling you have stumbled into
the position of having to come up with some reasonable one-sided
interpretation of your original reason forcalling
and leave it on an uncaring audio tape which will not preserve
your normally functioning wit and power of speech.
NOW!!!! (beep)
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the
caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and
number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave
a brief message and the time that you called, you
could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and
here's the beep.
A few days before his proctological exam, a one
eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill
effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first
thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the
man's butt was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to
learn to trust me."
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs
dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier
than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the
dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a
parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with
all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark,
they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark
sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black
because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle
all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.
When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of
heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it
gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately
fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The
immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can
collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through
turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean
where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to
get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized
this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling
in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as
not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of
dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet,
but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our
lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember
that it is indeed a dark sucker.
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's
shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to
fertilize them.
The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do
everything."
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under
the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it
all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.
BaBooom!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!...she lands in
the strawberries. They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My
God, are you all right? Are you all right?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that
one go in the kitchen!"
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime
reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get
the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and
saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the
ashes.
He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on
the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertiliser on
her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for
stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for
a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate
the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and
the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The
fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like
shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
An older couple decided that their memory was so bad that
they would have to start writing things down in order to
remember them. One evening, the husband got up from
watching TV and said he was going to the kitchen; He
asked his wife if she wanted anything.
Wife "Yes, I would like some ice cream."
As he set off, the wife said, "Write it down."
Husband "I can remember ice cream."
Wife "But I also want strawberries on my ice cream.
Write it down"
Husband "I can remember ice cream with strawberries."
Wife "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries."
The husband took off without writing it down. He was gone
for a while and when he came back, he was carrying bacon
and eggs.
Wife "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?"
"That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked,
"but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about my husband?"
A man goes to a bar and has a few drinks.
Then, he turns a glass on its side and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you
$100 that I can piss into this cup from the other side of the room."
"You're on," says the barkeep, sensing an easy $100
So they both lay $100 on the bar and the man goes across the room, unzips
his fly, and piss all over the bar, tables, patrons etc...
The bartender picks up the $200 with a smile on his face. "Well, I guess
you won says the man with an even bigger smile."
"Why the hell are you smiling?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $100!"
"Well, I bet every one else in the bar $1000 that I could pee all over the
place and still make you smile!"
So is it cold, cloudy, rainy and/or snowy where you are?
Well, let me tell
ya, as a Southern California resident, I completely understand your dismay
and frustration. Okay, so like, you know that big, flat, metal thingy you
use to remove the snow from your sidewalk and driveway? Well we have a
similar tool out here. It's called a rake. Would you believe it's January
and there are still leaves coming from the trees?! I have to rake 'em up
from the lawn, heck, I still have to mow the lawn! Talk about injustice!
Why, just the other day, I had to skim the leaves from my pool, so I could go
for a swim! Now, I don't know about you, but swimming through leaves is a
very disconcerting thing for me. Ya just never know what's lerking among
them leaves.
Anyway, probably the most difficult thing I have to deal with
is the guilt. For example, today, Saturday, January 9th, I was sitting
outside on my lawn chair, IN MY SHORTS, sipping lemonade watching jet
aircraft produce contrails in the deep blue sky overhead. I wondered what
kind of aircraft they were and where the people were going. I even decided
to get out my binoculars to identify the aircraft, as I'm into that sort of
thing.
So I'm sitting there, idly watching the aircraft, and I began to
think about how cold it must be at 25,000+ ft, and I admired the technology
which removes people from that knowledge, as they wing their way across the
planet.
Then it occured to me that most of the folks back East have INTIMATE
KNOWLEDGE of how cold it can be at 25,000+ ft and it MESSED UP THE WHOLE
EXPERIENCE FOR ME! THANKS A BUNCH!
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee
Re Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay check will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The
buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman
turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so
long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug
store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week
after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the
man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about
getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms
a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon,
but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!" The druggist asked, \
"Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and
now she poops in little plastic bags
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by
he fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories
you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun, when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped
out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!.
I tell you, I just shit in my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I
would have shit my pants too, if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then -- just now, when I
said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs,
"I don't remember eating that!"
Dear Mr. Doe
Thank you for your letter of November 15. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your firm.
This year, I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates, it is imposible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your firm's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs
at this time.
Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
Michael S. Smith
This bloke went into a pub with his wife, sat down at the bar and said to
the bartender "Mate, please give me a beer before it starts"
The bartender poured him a beer and the bloke knocked it back in one gulp.
"Give me another beer before it starts thanks mate " said the bloke.
The bartender had no idea what the bloke was talking about, but poured him
another anyway and watched it disappear the way of the first one.
" Quick mate " said the bloke "give me another beer before it starts"
As he's pouring the beer, the bartender said " Look mate, there's nothing
starting here tonight. The strippers are on Friday, and the band is on
Saturday"
The bloke ignored him and just demanded another beer before it started.
"Listen dear" his wife interrupted, " I think you've had enough to drink "
See mate " said the bloke to the bartender, "it's started."
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The
turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his
whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and
let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of
the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be
there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the
piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of
the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and
threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into
the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman".
"Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this one end"?
"When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came crawling to me on her hands
and
knees".
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I freakin' didn't!"
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum
and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen!
Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks
in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen!
Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A little science is a dangerous thing.....
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
celcius.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold
dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural
processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during
the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.F)
will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37
degress C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process
takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert
portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic
law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted
from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie
loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert
you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if
that is your goal.
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is
1,020 calories.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories
(12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of
drinking a can of beer.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it
takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The
results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces
an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have
already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with
pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this pizza,
beer, and ice cream diet.
Happy eating,
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system
with the following message
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
A man's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the guy stands up to leave and falls flat on his
face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once
outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he
manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his
wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
The following are stories told around the bar by travel agents about
their job experiences.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown
is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid
one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
Africa."
Her response Click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her
fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans,
Louisiana, which has the postal zip code LA. She thought the LA
stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.
Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour
layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 820 AM and got into Chicago at 833 AM. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,
why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight.
Is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute, while
I
"looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained
that the
city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have
numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to
China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him
this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they
have
accepted my American Express.
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on
downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually
done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the
727 complained, "Do you know it costs us
two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me
four thousand dollars worth."
------------------------------------------------
November 15, 1996 - What the...?!
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA
called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little
problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly
cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the
impersonation.
------------------------------------------------
November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after
landing with his approach speed just a little too high... San Jose
Tower "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back
to the airport."
------------------------------------------------
September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!
Tower "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on 124.7."
Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...
by the way, as
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied
Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
------------------------------------------------
June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!
O'Hare Approach Control "United 329, traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, 3
miles, eastbound." United 329 "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from
your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm
not sure it works so well though last week I put a load in and
pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley
said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out
what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The
baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We
had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has
happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.
S Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on
the airlines.....
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for
the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the, plane's
fault. It was the asphalt."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no" said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?
" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelingwith two small
children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
United Airlines FA "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United
Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be
very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by
falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could
tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it,
and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came
on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
Overheard by a guy giving rides "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm
practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."
Student pilot to irate instructor "Think about it. I navigated through
a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling
around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This
system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows
what speed,while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6
inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back, man!"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
While at the race track some of the children wanted to go to the
toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess
you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow.
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold
M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is
the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to
go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I
pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars,
Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.
Two UT grads boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before
take-off an Aggie got on and took the aisle seat next to the UT grads.
He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
the UT grad in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably
knew that.)
"No problem," said the Aggie. "I'll get it for you." While he was
gone the UT grad picked up the Aggie's shoe and spit in it. The Aggie
brought back the coke, when the other UT grad said, "That looks good.
Think I'll have one too." Again, the Aggie obligingly goes to fetch it,
and while he is gone the UT grad picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Aggie returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the
short flight. When the plane was landing the Aggie slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long
must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our colleges.....
this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.
S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and
can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished
his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes back into the bar,
handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness. No one answered.
"All right, I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss aint back outside
by
the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I dont like to
have
to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked
outside,
and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered
out of
the bar and asked, "Say, pardner, before you go...What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of
money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind-milling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me
a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the
cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the
plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and
copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the
cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers
right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a
seeing-eye guide dog.
As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as
people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few
minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start
spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the
airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers
are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway,
passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has
only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as
everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off
and is airborne!!!
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too
late, and we're gonna get killed!"
Without Warning
===============
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of
a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the
party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over
again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping
guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if
you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone
here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to
the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello,
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to
take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
You should be aware of the following information before you
consider consuming in your next meal what is perhaps the single
most common foodstuff on the American diet and perhaps the most
dangerous.
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years;
infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than
that in one monthful!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer, food poisoning
and octogenarians.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
A bear and a rabbit are standing by each other both taking a dump.
The bear asks, "Hey, rabbit. Do you have a problem with shit sticking
to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No, I don't."
The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in
a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the
black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit
and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost. he says, "Actually, it didn't
cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another
corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they
were about the same size and asked the other widow if she would mind if
her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads"
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he
began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the
side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit
this rabbit and killed it. "The woman told the man not to worry. She knew
what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,
turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is
in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It
said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you,
is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone
call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be
as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went
something like this: (swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. Me: Well whatever it
is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not
interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any
plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was
persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute.
Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like
this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing
techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and
while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a
little brother...
AT&T: (click)
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES
1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but
of course they do not wish to soil their hands. You might call that
type "Dick Tator."
2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are
content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Tators."
3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding
fault with the way others do things. They might be called "Comment
Taters."
4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They look
or others to agree with them. You call them "Aggie Taters."
5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get
around to doing anything. They are "Hezzie Taters."
6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are
not. They are "Emma Taters."
7. Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always
prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand. They bring real
sunshine into others' lives. You might call them "Sweet Taters."
A Hindu gets on a plane and sits next to a European. As the plane takes off, he
unrolls a wrapper containing Hindu vegetarian food which smells so much that
the European's nose twitches. He turns to the man and says, "Food India" with a
grin. He then takes out a container containing the foulest smelling liquid and
again the man at the side has a twitching nose. He grins sheepishly at the man
and says, " Sorry. Drink India" He then proceeds with his meal. As soon as he
has finished he farts.It is a loud, long fart. He grins sheeepishly and says,
"Air India".
John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend
Mark, and told him of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle," he said,
"when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back,
I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started
coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When
the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped.
I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he
slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the
house and closed the door in the lion's face."
"That's some story there, John, I would have messed my pants."
"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: You
don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle this situation. You can
tell them that not only do you know Jack Schitt, you know his
entire family:
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.
Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, their first,
unfortunately passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin
sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt; and another son Bull Schitt.
Against his parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout! Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they
produced a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout their childhood, and married the Happens
brothers in joyous ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg
Schitt, Byrdd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned to the farm with his new Italian Bride, Peesa
Schitt on his arm. The young couple are awaiting the imminent
arrival of Baby Schitt.
Now when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can
correct them.
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome captain Banta
Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking
off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery. This is the one two six
flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest
assured it will be some where in the East. And if you are very lucky we may
even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to,
isn't that right brothers! Today we have 12 passengers on the plane which is a
bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will
be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a
very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even the terrorists are
afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers
end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry,
our staff have lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however,you
are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of court
settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and
even a surviving one!
If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off!
We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary tea during
free-fall!
And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
find out if there really is a God!
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to
record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film then we
will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie
through the window.
Although there is no-smoking in this aeroplane, you may find that during the
flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this!
It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!
Yes, we are very advanced at Punjab Airways.
Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give a free bathing
costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the uncles!
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Punjab
Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best
view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our
co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed
into the White House, well it is the same bloke!
Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find
a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door handle. And for those of
you who can't find a seat, sit on your suitcase instead.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the
cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways.
We guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely
take you for a ride!"
Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both
are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one
looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says,
"Land mine, Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says,
"Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."
Three soldiers had just been released from the Army.
To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana.
"Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter,
will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go
ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they
didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and
said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this
land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it.
"NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing
happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little
girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana
peel that came our from no where."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter
and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once
more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's
the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along
when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story
and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the
grenade," said one soldier.
"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road
where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's
sofunny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blewup.
- What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the
windsheild?
... His ass!
The B'Day Party
So this lady is giving a party for her
grand daughter, and has gone
all out...caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
starts, two bums show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a
meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to
the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown
calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not
make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain
the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one
of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.
She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair
flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children
at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR
$50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
AIRPLANE PA HUMOR
Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."
ACTUAL QUOTES OF AIRLINE CREW PEOPLE AFTER RATHER "HARD" LANDINGS
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain
has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to
thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you
open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that
shifted during our so-called "touch down."
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our
airplane to the gate."
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
"Sorry, folks, for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and
it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."
"Sorry, folks, but that was better than the last landing when I had to
change shorts."
FLYING
I was on a flight last month that was up in the air before it took off.
The stewardess was giving her usual "what to do in case of impending
doom" speech, which was making the passenger next to me increasingly
nervous and testy. She got to "if the cabin pressure drops, the oxygen
masks will fall down in front of you" when he angrily said, "And what?
Worship us?"
The time was in the early hours of a new day; the place was the lobby of a
hotel; the principal character was a well-dressed gentleman in an alcoholic
fog, who had come in and registered for the night a few minutes earlier.
Now, half dressed, he descended the stairway from the second floor and stood
swaying slightly in front of the desk.
"Mish' Night Clerk," he said politely but thickly, "I'll 'ave requesh you
gimme 'nozzer room."
"Well, sir," stated the clerk, "we're a little bit crowded. I don't know
whether I could shift you immediately. It's pretty late, you know."
"Mish' Night Clerk," said the guest in a courteous but firm voice, "I repeat -
mush gimme 'nozzer room."
"Isn't the room I gave you comfortable?" parleyed the functionary.
"Sheems be perf'y so," admitted the transient. "Nev'less, mush ash be moved
'mediately."
"Well, what's the matter with your room?" demanded the pestered clerk.
The stranger bent forward, and with the air of one imparting a secret
addressed the clerk in a husky half whisper:
"If you mush know, my room's on fire!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply
boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to
London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.
He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for
any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper
looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat
beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was
insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is
sitting there"? He walked through the train more and still could not
find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love
dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to
hold your dog if I can sit down" he said. The lady replied "you
Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned
against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady,
I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a
decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your
dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant,
you are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An
older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke
up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of
things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch
out of the window."
There is a blind man on his way to Texas. He is on the airplane, and he
is in First Class. He goes to his seat, and feels them, they are huge.
He
asks the stewardess "Aren't these seats kinda' big?" She replies "Oh,
everythings bigger in Texas."
Then he gets to Texas, and he goes to his room. He walks, and walks and
didn't hit the wall for a few minutes, and he was walking in a straight
line. He asks the BellBoy "Isn't this room kinda' big?" The BellBoy
replies "Yes, everythings bigger in Texas."
Then he gets thirsty after a little while, and goes down to the bar, and
orders a little glass of beer. the Bartender gives him a gallon big
glass. The blindman feels it, and says "I said a SMALL glass." The
Bartender says "Everythings bigger in Texas."
So after the blindman finishes the big Texas beer, he asks "Where's the
restrooms?" The Bartender says "The third door on the right."
The blindman is walking, feeling the doors, and he trips. He goes to the
4TH door instead of the 3rd. the 4th door goes right out to the pool.
The blindman opens the door, and falls in, thinking it was the restroom.
He falls, looks frantic, waves his arms, and yells "DON'T
FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the
pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I
had tennis elbow once."
Spuds
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands. They are called ... "Dick Tators."
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work. They are called ... "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work. They are called ... "Comment Tators."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to
agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are
called ..."Agie Tators."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around
to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie Tators."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called ... "Emma Tators."
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are
always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ...
"Sweet Tators."
Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have children.
They are called ... "Tator Tots."
A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might
have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens
to the
symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana
and a cookie with you" said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the
next
day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your
pants
and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants
and
bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams
it up
the guy's butt. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances
around
the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of
the
treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc.
Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with
the
order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams
IT up
the patients butt.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring
another
banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with
tears of
pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana,
waits
exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the
next day
and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP
goes a
cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well,
tomorrow is
the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a
hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine
what a
hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man
drops
his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at
his
watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes.
Three.
Four minutes pass.
Then a little head pokes out the patients butt.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE"
Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride
sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my
wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer
robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know
what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen',
he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the
stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye."
Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.
Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a
crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the
bottom of the landing.
"Kate, what ever happened?"
"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just
piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat... and the
fight was on."
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the
Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD
TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY
NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS
A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a
monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the
barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man
walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in
my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them
to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "theme party - come as a
human emotion". On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he
opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and
V painted on his chest (in another colour). He says to this guy "Wow, great
outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with
envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few
minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a
woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her
most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion
have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I
love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the
doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two
black guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of
custard and other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really
shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like,
you could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What
emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies (in a strong West
Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in
despair."
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other
guy has a cork stuck-fast in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto,
Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit.''
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is
true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
Power = ------
Time
Since, as everyone knows (postulated above) , Knowledge = Power, and
Time = Money, we have:
Work
Knowledge = ------
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
Money = ---------
Knowledge Q.E.D.!
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room
was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded.
"Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the
manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell
you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never
better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard. "How'd
you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek,
said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching
me."
For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of
private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in
high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with
how enthusiastic I was to get started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my
progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was
waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond
hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think
just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about
ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was
very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was
already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door,
but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this
heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for
heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia
in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the
other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators?
Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I
can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a
full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to
lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be
in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the
rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. If there
was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her
with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my
triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand
me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the
damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The
treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies professor?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine
wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather
channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.
Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
According to research, here's the true story: Giving the Finger - Before
the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew
tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle
fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "peasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see
what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over,
she
laid a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said,
"That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was
forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel.
The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a
woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a
man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse
and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about
calling a doctor, I'm already here."
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
| | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.)
-------------------------
You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
which stall you are to correctly stand. Good luck!
--------------------
Easy Section
--------------------
1.)
| | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.)
| x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a
greater risk of being next to someone
who arrives later.
===============================================
-------------------------
Kind of tricky Section:
-------------------------
3.)
| | | | | | | (empty)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
--------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answey
r: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying,
"I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.)
| | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at
least ONE guy, so you minimize the
impact and get a wall on your left.
NEVER go between TWO guys if you
can help it. Exceptions to this
are stadium restrooms where the
herd thunders in.
===============================================
-----------------------------------------------
Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
-----------------------------------------------
5.)
| | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: __
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples"
you with the guy in stall 2. And we
wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
This differs from question 4 in such a
subtle way that the nuances cannot be
explained. Suffice to say, only we men
would understand!
===============================================
-----------------------------
VERY tricky indeed Section
-----------------------------
6.)
| x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
-------------------------
Your choice: ___
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to
comb your hair or straighten a tie
until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
goodness sake! ... use a doored stall.
===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of
the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
you there. I will not look again".
You ask credit
I no give
You get mad
I give credit
You no pay
I get mad
Better you get mad
All Employees are
requested to take a
bath before reporting
to work.
Since I have to kiss
your ass to get you
to do anything,
I want it to be clean.
ATTITUDE
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good
mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask
him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would
be twins!"
He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had
followed Him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the
waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural
motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there
telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the
situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I
went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a
positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
"Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices
today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in
a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad
happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it.
I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining,
I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the
positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away
all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to
situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to
be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how
you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I
left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch,
but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of
reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something
you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the
back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed
robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from
nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and
shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to
the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of
intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of
the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the
accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any
better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through
his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through
my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.
"Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I
could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry
continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was
going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and
I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got
really scared. In their eyes, I read, `He's a dead man.
" I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said
Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. `Yes,' I replied. The
doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took
a deep breath and yelled, `Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them,
`I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of
his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the
choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
"Student affairs. Want one?"
"Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If
you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean.
They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If
you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
get back to you."
Joe's Crematorium - you kill em, we grill 'em
Joe's Roadkill Jerky Emporium - You make 'em fly, we'll make 'em dry
Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared
to land ?
Tower: Oh, who's talking ?
Pilot: Me
Radar: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35.000 feet, how much noise can we
make up here ?
Radar: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits
a 727 ?
Radar: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL ?
Pilot: More or less
Radar: So proceed a little bit more to SUL
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna ?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar: Ro avoid what ?
Pilot: To avoid delay
Pilot: Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar: Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot: Radar, I dont seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?
Radar: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are
doing very well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two
landings for the price of one.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we
are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent
our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately.
The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for
other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D.,
they can request a review of the employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal
with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies,
employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be
S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to
get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received
H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) programme.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We
have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the
job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially
trained to make sure you recieve all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
The Management
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL VOCABULARY PRIMER
Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I
said, widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?"
Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night,
they said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble."
Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment
right undermine."
Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day,
so I asked them, you plannin on stain?"
Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one
sodomy and another bitch on the other sodomy."
Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen
left and right."
Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the
other night, so I seldom to my friend."
Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both."
Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night,
I was involved in a five-car polyp on I-75."
Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me
a little paper cup and said, here penis.
Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his
state. I asked if they electrocute em, hand, orgasm."
Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he
could pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday."
Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow
your head off."
Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my
friends, you odyssey the tits on that babe."
Menstruate: "With the fashions today you can't keep the women and
menstruate."
Manual: "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble
if you keep messing with that hoe."
Letter: "The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnell's
door the other night and I wouldn't letter in."
July: "After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the
truth or July?"
Income: "My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my
wife."
Horde: "My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she
horde around in her school."
Honor: "At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who
be honor?"
Homo: "The bitch I'm living with called me at the bar the
other night. She said Darnell, honey, are you coming
homo what?"
Fortify: "I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile--How much? She said
fortify dollars. honey."
Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin
Melvin. I told them there ain't no place formaldehyde
in the house, it be too small."
Foreclose: "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more
money foreclose."
Fascinate: "My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on
it, but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment,
he's going to send me back to the big house."
Dimension: "A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what
Darnell look like. Well, he's tall, dark, handsome,
not dimension hung like a horse."
Derange: "Derange is where the deer and the antelope play."
Decide: "My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to
keep a couple on decide.
Data: "At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple
double and my coach said data boy Darnell."
Copulate: "I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I
said copulate."
Connoisseur: "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today,
what connoisseur did you crawl out of?"
Coatroom: "The judge said, one more outburst like that and I'll
have the bailiff clear the coatroom."
Clothesline: "When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on
the porch."
Catacomb: "I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to
Don King: man, someone oughta get that catacomb."
Button: "My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch
pants. I said girl, you won't get you button 'em."
Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this
beware I find be a job?"
Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start
swinging the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."
Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink
out of when he was sitting on the front porch."
Assert: "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my
old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."
Anus: "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be
looking for the two guys that held up the liquor store
and we said---anus."
Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for
afford."
Vasectomy is a safe and simple procedure. We understand that many men
have understandable apprehension and we have collected a sampling of
our Most Frequently Asked Questions along with our replies. We here at
Cygne and Associates wish to make your vasectomy experience memorable.
Drs Alan Cygne and Adolf Schnitt
1. Should I "shave" before I come in?
Definitely. With a sharp razor, warm water and antibacterial soap,
shave the entire chest, arms, abdomen, pubic escutcheon, inguinal area,
any genital or scrotal hair and the legs down to the ankles. This will
make pantyhose and leotards easier to slip into. Many men find they
develop a desire for "soft silky undergarments" nest to their skin after
a vasectomy. this is normal.
2. Will there be women present?
No. All females (such as the class and staff of the Clinic Nursing
School) will be behind a one way mirror. The nurse assisting your
physician is a large male nurse named Bruno. He is quite capable of
handling vasectomy patients and keeping them occupied and distraced
during the procedure.
3. What will you do with the tissue that will be removed? Will it be
used in anything experimental as is common with fetal tissue?
All tissue becomes the property of Cygne and Associates and is consumed
on the premises. Fava beans and a light Chianti are optional.
4. Is it possible to just clip one of my testegettis during this
procedure and come back next week to complete the operation after I
see how I feel?
The proper term for 'testegettis' is vas deferens. While it is possible
to do one side and wait, the patient usually does not wish to undergo
the tranquilizer-darting, leather restraints and pre-vasectomy
examination by Bruno more than once. Often the patients do not return
and must be hunted down, roped and vasectomized in the field (an
unsanitary procedure at best) resulting in considerable loss of
reputation with the patient's neighbors.
5.Will this in any way adversely effect my ability to use an English
saddle (without pommel) with my horseback classes?
You may still use such a saddle with no difficulty. However, many post
vasectomy patients find it more 'stimulating' to use a Western saddle
with large pommel and Vaseline, K-Y or another lubricant. You may also
wish to switch mounts for a stallion if you ride frequently.
6.Will the procedure affect the appearance or elasticity of my scrotum
(Iunderstand it may cause "drop ball" syndrome)?
"ball drop" or Testicular Prolapse can occur. it is managed easily by
simply watching where you step whe you are not wearing a support. If
you DO experience pain or discomfort in the operated area, look under
your feet. One patient of Dr. schnitt who possessed quite large testes
is now gainfully employed each New year's Eve in New York. He has
turned his "ball drop" into an asset to be proud of!
7. Following my procedure, is there any danger in wearing zippered
trousers?
None at all. However, note that had you been less cautious with zippers
all your life, you would not, now, need to pay so much for a vasectomy,
a procedure that many zippers can perform swiftly and for free.
8. Following the procedure, does the possibility exist that my
testicle(s) may float away and lodge in one of my lower extremities
(like an ankle)?
What makes you think we plan to leave the testicles remaining in the
scrotum? As we stated above, all tissue becomes the property of Cygne
and Associates.
9.Will the procedure affect the tenor of my voice?
Not appreciably. It will, however, affect your pronunciation, causing
you to pronounce sibilants as 'th' sounds. This and wrist drop are two
of the side effects possible.
10. Will people "know" I have had the operation?
Not at all. therefor, we have taken the liberty of saving you the
trouble and, upon receipt of your appointment confirmation for this
procedure, we have notified your neighbors, employer and the police
department of your new status.
11. Is the procedure video taped, and do I have to pay for a copy?
Payment is not necessary. You will, however, be paid royalties following
theatrical release, according to SAG/AFTRA scale guidelines.
12. Is there a possibility that this will cure involuntary
ejaculation?
Oh yes. It will also prevent erection, urine retention and pimples. We
advise you to acquire a reliable product such as Kimberly Clark's
Depends Undergarments.
13. Are there any special ointments or salves that I can use post
procedure? My wife used Vitamin E after her pregnancy.
No, but we do reccomend copious self administration of Yukon Jack or
Everclear along with castor oil the evening before your procedure.
14. If the procedure is successful, does my wife have to stay on the
pill?
Since consummation of your marriage will no longer become possible, yes.
we don't trust your wife, EITHER.
15. I understand following the operation I will have to return and
present semen samples. Should I obtain a sample from home, or wait
until your office to assure freshness?
Nurse Bruno will take care of that procedure. You will receive royalties
for that tape as well.
16. How long is my therapy, what does it entail, and is that covered
with my insurance?
This is a matter best taken up with your psychiatrist and parole
officer.
17. Can you recommend a cup or splint device to stabilize and provide
a safe environment for the effected regions?
Actually, after the procedure, we recommend that you curl up on your
side on the floor, hands between your legs, gripping the inguinal area
as you writhe. this affords protection to the genital area without
interfering with Bruno's postprocedure inspection.
18. Following the procedure, how will I know when I ejaculate?
You will see minor amounts (1-4 cups) of blood in your Depends at each
attempted emission.
19. During my recovery, should my kids and dog "Bouncy" go and stay
with relatives?
Definitely not. this is why your children are in therapy and the ASPCA
is investigating you NOW. Your parole officer should have filled you in
on these details.
20. Following the operation, is there a possibility that I will lose
facial hair and/or grow breasts?
No. It is a certainty.
My friends are in your hands,
They, along with your family, are being investigated.
Alan Cygne MD and Adolf Schnitt M.D
Bruno Reems RN
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought
tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single
ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an
engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their
respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom
and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed,
the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the
restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a
crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When
they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When
they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a
restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The
train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his
restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
"Velkommen til Telenors automatiske telefonavlyttingstjeneste. Tast inn
telefonnummeret du vil avlytte og avslutt med firkanttast"
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
(your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like
no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay
it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a
lot."
Must be spoken in a drawl.
Well, this isn't strictly from an answering machine, but...
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone's day a little more surreal.
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,
it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you
hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
"Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a
sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely.
When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there
is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on
screen?" (silence...click)
"Van
couver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates are
phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.
"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
"Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?"
"You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear
Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of
targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
"We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please
leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express
account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval."
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now
because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made
up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the
resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my
component particles have been restored to their normal charges."
"Speak, worm!" "beep"
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
"You know what to do at the tone."
"Hello, I'm not here." "beep"
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a
kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry
the kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother...
unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
soon as possible.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
"beep, beep, beep"
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: "I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
A few people even got the joke...
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to
sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college.
(That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are
loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand
hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four
years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how
to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are
the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so
on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then
forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in
college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in
college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other
than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the
other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil
or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the
supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a
major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here
is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve
Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry,
because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in
mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say:
"Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your
result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the
professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam
book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He
wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on.
Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and
sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking
about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little
snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on
your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would
say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common
sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in
the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in *your*
paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who
is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple
stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no
such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are
*obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a
rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do
the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like
rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the
number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read
gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This
is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time
translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If
you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example,
suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated
isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and
lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages,
you will get a large government grant.
A homeless man was walking past a cafe which had tables on the
footpath. There were people there, eating their meals, and the man
noticed a particular gentleman sitting at his table, reading a newspaper
and a bowl of spaghetti bolognaise sitting there uneaten.
Feeling hunger pangs, he carefully walked towards the gentleman's table
and was glad to find he hadn't been noticed as the gentleman was still
engrossed in reading the paper.
A little bolder now, he carefully pulled a chair up to the table and sat
at it. Once again, he waited in case the gentleman would shoo him
away. However, the gentleman continued reading the newspaper.
Now, the beggar leans forward and just touches the side of the spaghetti
bowl. Still no response.
So he grabs the plate and pulls it towards him but the gentleman still
didn't notice. Indeed, the gentleman just turned the page and kept
reading.
This was too good to be true so the beggar hurriedly gulps down the
spaghetti, digging into the food and slurping away. Suddenly as he
reaches the bottom, he sees a dead rat in the bowl under the food. Its
guts were everywhere and it looked totally gross.
The sight was enough to sicken the beggar and he vomited the spagetti
back into the bowl.
As he recovered, the gentleman put the newspaper down, looked at the
beggar and said, "Yeah, that's as far as I got before throwing up too."
A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender $20 that he can fart the
national anthem. Bartender agrees. Dude jumps up on the bar, squats,
drops his pants and shits all over the bar...The bartender goes nut
and yells "what the hell are you doing", the farter explains, "Hey,
even Pavoratti has to clear his throat before a performance"!!!
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and
I'll come and see you when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?".
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss,
"Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a
day . How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three
hundred and thirty four dollars "
said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold
him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would
probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold
him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the
car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook.
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may just as well go
fishing."
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
* The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes
to his feet.
* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
* I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and
anxious.
* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I
have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the
floor.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
* Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will
need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of
him.
* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
* The patient refused an autopsy.
* The patient has no past history of suicides.
* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which
gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once
he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of
course.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This
went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot
said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Two students at Michigan State University were up visiting
friends at Lake Superior State University in Sault Ste Marie.
They partied really hard over the weekend and by Sunday they
were so hung-over that they could not make the drive back.
They both had a biochemistry test on Monday that they missed.
They called their teacher when they got back into town on
Monday and told him that they had gotten a flat tire up north.
The teacher responded very calmly and told the students
to simply come in and take the test on Tuesday. The students
were very happy with the understanding professor. When the
boys came into class on Tuesday, to take the test the teacher
had put the boys in separate rooms just so they would not cheat.
The teacher trusted the boys, but he did not want them to have
any temptations. The boys were fine with this... they knew
their material. The first page had a difficult chemistry
problem on it but both boys figured the problem out.
The boys turned to the second page and the question said
........"Which Tire?"
The manager
Y.M.C.A. -Hotel
LONDON.
Dear signore Direttore.
Now I am'a-atella you story how I wa'a-treated at you hotella.
I am'a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a younga
christian man at your hotella.
When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed.
How can I sleep with no shit in the bed? So I calla down
to receptione and tella: "I wanta shit." They tella me:
"Go to toilet." I say: "No, no, I wanta shit in my bed."
They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch."
What is sonna-wa-bitch ?
I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga
and two pissis of toast. I gotta only one piss of toast.
I tella waitress, and pointa at toast: "I wanta piss on my plate."
She then say to me: "You'd bloddy well not piss on the plate,
you sonna-wa-bitch." Second person who do not even know me,
calls me sonna-wa-bitch.
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out,
but no fock. I tella waiteress: " I wanna fock" and she tella me:
"Sure, everyone want a fock." I tella her: "No, no you don't understand me.
I wanta fock on the table." She tella me: "So you sonna-wa-bitch
wanta fock on the table ? Get your ass out of here."
So I go to reseptione and ask for bill, I no wanta stay in this
hotella no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:
"Thank you, and peace on you." I say: "Piss on you to, you sonna-wa-bitch."
I go back to Italy.
I never more gonna stay your hotell no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.
Sincerely
Enrico Morelli.
Calling a horse race:
THEY'RE OFF
Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off
with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean
Sheets at the back. Douche Bag is completely lost.
AT THE RAIL
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in.
Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and
Conscience is completely lost.
AT THE TURN
It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hard
and Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.
AT THE STRETCH
Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill.
Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick
passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome.
AT THE FINISH
Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's a dead
heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish.
Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience
wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a
quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to
clean up the track.
One day Ronald took some time-out from his office job.
Later in the day when he returned to his office his
boss asked him, "Hey, Ron,do you believe in life after
death? An afterlife?" Ron was puzzled but managed
to answer: "Why.....Yes...I suppose I do!" The boss says
"Good. Because your grandfather was here looking
for you after you left for his funeral."
AAMOF as a matter of fact
AFAIC as far as I'm concerned
AKA also known as
ASAP as soon as possible
AYOR at your own risc
BBL be back later
BFN bye for now
BOT back on topic
BRB be right back
BTHOM Beats the hell outta me!
BTW by the way
BTWBO Be there with bells on.
CUA commonly used acronym(s)
DNPM darn near pissed myself
FTL faster than light
FU fucked up
GIWIST Gee, I wish I'd said that.
HAK hugs and kisses
HTH hope this helps
IITYWIMWYBMAD If I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?
IITYWTMWYKM If I tell you what this means will you kiss me?
IKN I know nothing
ILSHIBAMF I laughed so hard I broke all my furniture!
IMCAO in my completely arrogant opinion (Use for attracting flames!)
IMHO in my humble opinion
IMO in my opinion
IOW in other words
JK just kidding
KISS keep it simple, stupid
LOA Lots of applause!
LOL lots of luck or laughing out loud
MTFBWY May the force be with you!
MYOB Mind your own business!
NFI no friggin' idea
NFW no fucking way
NRN no reply necessary
NTTAWWT not that there's anything wrong with that
OIC Oh, I see!
ONNA Oh no, not again!
OTOH on the other hand
OTTH on the third hand
PITA pain in the ass
PMFJI pardon me for jumping in
PMIGBOM Put mind in gear, before opening mouth!
PML pissing myself laughing
ROTFL roll(ing) on the floor laughing (also, ROF,L; ROFL)
ROTFLBTC ... biting the carpet
ROTFLBTCUTS ...... unable to stop
ROTFLMAO ... laughing my ass off
ROTFLSTC ... scaring the cat
RTFM read the fucking manual
SNAFU situation normal, all fucked up
TANJ there ain't no justice
TBTILPBUZ talking before thinking is like pissing before unzipping
(or; thinking before talking is like.... (What's suitable for the situation))
TINWIS that is not what I said
TLA three-letter acronym (such as this)
TTYL talk to you later
TYCLO Turn your CAPS LOCK off. (Quit shouting.)
TYVM thank you very much
WAG wild ass guess
WDYMBT What do you mean by that?
WGAS Who gives a shit?
WT without thinking
WTFAY who the fuck are you
WTH what the hell
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996,
Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the
world, and it sets him back $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and,
while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both
looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks
over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost
$500,000.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost
so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool
dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the
owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice
car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks
himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It
goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked
like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How
could a moped outrun an RX-7?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The
young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course
the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the
dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do
for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your
side-view mirror!"
The Big Fart.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and
the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next.
By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she
went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the
air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge
came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!.
It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg
and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook,
the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on
the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation
in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning
each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on
top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and
yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now
officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has
commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in
communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ
as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins
the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as
replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken
on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze
unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar
arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
With the recent problems with the Florida electric chair (the last victim
had smoke coming out from under the hood), they out to change it so that
it vibrates at the same time. That way they can shake & bake at the same
time.
25 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while
you play football.
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache
12. You don't have to drive a beer home in the morning.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
The things you learn in school...
Yesterday, scientists at Johns Hopkins revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 cans
of beer and observed that 100% of them started jabbering incessantly and
couldn't drive.
Don't forget about April Fools day on Monday! A simple, yet
effective gag is called the "plastic wrap across the toilet rim"
gag, but I'd hate to have people actually try that, so I won't
even mention it.
Phone gag:
If you have a multiline system, call up the receptionist say you are
the phone company and that you are cleaning the lines for dust
and/or water built up in the lines. Tell the person to leave the
all the phones phone off the hook until a certain time and not to
let anyone use the phones, NO MATTER WHAT! See if the person goes
for it. For more added effect, wait until they leave their desk, and
spinkle some dust under the earpiece or leave a puddle of water.
Call someone up and say you are the utility man on the roof dealing with
the "High Voltage Phone Fiber Optics" on the roof, and that because of the
work you are doing, the phone will ring a lot. Tell them, no matter what,
to NOT PICK UP THE PHONE OR ANSWER IT for ANY reason, or you might be
electrocuted. Hang up, wait a minute and call again. Let the phone ring
and ring until it is picked up. Give a blood curdling scream.
(My friend tried this and the secretray was so shaken, they had to
leave an annonymous note to tell her it was a joke.)
Leave a fake phone message pink slip to call a number. Give them the
zoo's number, and ask for "Elli Fant" or "G. Raffe" or "Mr. Lyon"
etc... make sure it is a department in the zoo who won't answer
"DC National Zoo" or something.
Tape the hang up switch down. They pick up the phone, and it keeps
ringing...
Look up the modular phone cord to something silly, like a lamp, or a
potted plant. A lot of people work in offices who have no idea how
phones work, and will more than likely call in a repair guy... who
will trace the line to the plant and make your schmuck look like
a... well... schmuck.
Leave a message with a phone number to a fax or modem/data line. Make the
message sound important.
MEN'S 44 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the
toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups:
Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine
bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is
only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the
room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the
rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit
through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never
looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "c*nt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you
have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look
fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in
the shower.
35. Two words: Blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine,
Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to
wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than
you; Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better
looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be
dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them
all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until
the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here
having freaky circus sex all night?"
44. Call so he doesn't feel like he has to.