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A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"


The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his interest.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right. No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"


Uncle Ben had fire in his eyes, and lined up all the kids. "Which one of you pushed over the outhouse?" he demanded. Little Henry, thinking honesty would count in his favour, said, "I cannot tell a lie, Uncle Ben. I did it." Uncle Ben then took off his belt and proceeded to give little Henry a good whipping. "That's not fair," cried Henry, "When George Washington chopped down the cherry tree and told the truth, his pa didn't whip him." "That's right," said Uncle Ben, "But his pa wasn't in that cherry tree at the time."


As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth, pretending to eat them, before rushing out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed with a devastated look on her face.

"Mommy, where's my booger?" she asked.


A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.  As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.  The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.  

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.  Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running, shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.


A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.  The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"


On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve it for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."

"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.


The Blessing

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year old daughter and asked, "Would you like to say the blessing "

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner !"


One evening little Johnny has to use the bathroom. On his way, he noticed his sister's bedroom door was open and peeked inside. The bed was bouncing and the covers were being thrashed all around.
Little Johnny asked his sister "whatch doin?"
Not knowing quite what to say she replied "ummm.. playing cards" Little Johnny asked, "who's you're partner?"
She replied, "my boyfriend."
Satisfied, little Johnny continued onto the bathroom. He then noticed his parents door was open and peeked inside. The bed was bouncing and the covers were being thrashed all around.
Little Johnny asked his dad "whatcha doin?"
Also not sure how to explain this act to Johnny he replied,"playing cards."
Little Johnny asked, "who's your partner?"
His dad replied, "your mom."
Satisfied with his answer as well, little Johnny went to the bathroom, then went to bed.
A half an hour later, Johnny's dad had to use the bathroom, and decided, as many parents would do, to check up on Johnny.
He peered inside Johnny's room only to find the bed bouncing and the covers being thrashed all around. Curious to know what was going on, Johnny's father said, "hey Johnny, whatcha doin?"
Johnny replied, "playing cards."
Johnny's dad said, "ummm.. who's your partner?"
To which Johnny replied, "you don't need a partner if you've got a good hand!"


Mary and Johnny went to the same school and ate lunch together every day. Every day they each carried chicken salad sandwiches. After some months, Mary showed up with a peanut butter sandwich. Johnny asked, "How come you aren't eating chicken salad sandwiches?"

Mary said, "I had to stop. I started growing feathers."

Johnny said, "That can't be true."

Mary said , "Honest Indian." She whipped up her dress and pulled down her pants and sure enough, there were the beginnings of pin feathers.

A couple more months go by and Johnny came to lunch carrying peanut butter sandwiches.

Mary asked,"How come?"

Johnny said,"I'm growing chicken feathers, too." With that he lowered his pants and drawers and after a good look Mary said.

" Your right, not only feathers but there's a chicken neck and a couple of gizzards too!"


Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and  says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,  "Well Johnny, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than  mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...  Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.  So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.  After a second, Mr. Smith  says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you.  What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."


A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rosepetal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head and my daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky."
He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to fuck pigs."


Teacher is in the middle of a lesson and a little girl sticks her hand up.
"Please miss, may I go to the toilet?"
Teacher says just wait until this lesson is finished.
Half an hour later, the same little girl sticks her hand up. "Please miss, may I go to the toilet?"
Oh, very well says the teacher but first you must recite the alphabet.
The little girl begins: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. Well done says the teacher, but where is the 'P'.

It's running down my leg answered the little girl!


Little Johny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


So anyway there are these two young girls walking down a country lane, one turns to the other and says "Mary Lou, how old are you?" Mary Lou responds by saying, "Well, I'm either 11 of 14, my mother can't remember when she had me." So her friend says, "Well I know a good way to tell, what's the best thing you've ever had in your mouth?" Mary Lou says, "Oh that would have to be a big slab of mom's home made apple pie, with a big scoop of iced-cream on top" "Your 11"


A young boy was out shopping with his mother in the local supermarket. While walking along one of the aisles the young boy let rip with the loudest fart he could muster.

"I beg your pardon!" said his mother "Was that you who did that?"

"Yep." replied the boy, grinning "It's a telegram from my arse to let you know there's a shit on its way."


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."


Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"


Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.  Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.  The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"


One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit.
The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?" To which Johnny replied (deep, slow voice is best) "Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?"
"A Milkman."
"Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street.

Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?"
"Bucket o' shit."
"Whatcha making?"
"A Mailman."
"Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman.

Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?"
"Bucket o' shit."
"I bet you're making a Policeman."
"Nope, ain't got enough shit."


A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" ----------------------------------- Thanks to Mary Campbell


A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......


A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy,

"That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."


There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said, "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked "Why a plumber?" He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said, "I wanna be an electrician." The others laughed at this and asked "Why an electrician?" He replied, "So I can get some lights in here, it's dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"


Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A Bird," the guy replied, saying the first thing that came to mind. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was laying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


NEW HOME

A couple made the decision to purchase a house on the lands of a large nudist resort. Things went well until one day their five-year-old son asked his parents why some men had small penises and others had quite large ones.

They told him that the ones with small penises like Daddy were the smart ones. The men with large ones were quite stupid. This seemed to satisfy him.

One day over supper, the little guy said "Remember when you told me the difference between men with little and big penises?"

"Yes."

"Well today, a man knocked on the door and was talking to Mommy. He was really smart, but the longer they talked the stupider he got. Eventually Mommy had to take him into the house and smarten him up!"


A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent,
"What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"


Little Johnny
=============

A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.

She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."


Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy, more specifically, the male anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to the most embarrassing moment of my entire life!

A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday (a choice which to this day I cannot justify nor rationalize, and will never again repeat). During the homily, when the priest was speaking and everyone was oh so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, Jordan decided that it would be [a good time to] examine himself and ask questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not leaned the difference between whispering and speaking in his normal loud voice, notwithstanding the fact that I have spent many hours lecturing him about the proper use of "library voices."

The conversation went like this:

Jordan (loud voice): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up"'

Mom (library voice, whispering, attempting to distract): "That's interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the little children."

Jordan (even louder voice): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!"

Dad (very stem and serious): "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!"

Jordan (very upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!"

Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering but clearly agitated): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!"

Mom (continuing the facade of a calm and collected voice, still whispering and smiling): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to build with."

Jordan (louder and more insistent): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then, without waiting for an answer (as if I had one), Jordan began talking to his penis. Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you belong and stop bugging me!"

At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him out, and at the same time cover his mouth. Too late. The damage had been done. I heard chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and I noticed a distinct break in the priest's homily as he obviously mulled over this very unexpected addition to his sermon.

My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband rolled his eyes and mouthed the words "Get him out of here." My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?"

Never before, never since, nor never again will there be a more embarrassing moment for me.


One for You and One For Me
--------------------------
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.

Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!


Little Johnny has been in the second grade for about three years know and can't seem to graduate to third grade. It is the end of the school year and Little Johnny fails again. The teacher tells little Johnny that if he can write a story of what happened over his summer vacation with out swearing he will go straight to the third grade. So Johnny agrees and leaves for summer vacation. Well it's the start of the new school year and the teacher say that little Johnny has a story for us class. Ok little Johnny tell your story. Little Johnny get up in front of the class and starts his story. Over summer vacation I went to my grandfathers house and he has a big barn with a big cock on top of it. Where ever the cock points that is where the wind is blowing. The teacher says that was a very good story Little Johnny but why does it have to be a cock, little Johnny look at his teacher and says, well if it was a cunt the wind would blow right through it.


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."


Little Eddie is walking down the hall at school talking to his friends. Suddenly, the topic of conversation turns to dicks.
"My dad has two penises." Eddie said to his buddies.
"Man, you're full of shit. You can't have two penises. That's impossible," said Eddie's friend John.
"No, really...it's true," said Eddie. "He has a little one that he uses to go to the bathroom, and he has a big one that he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth."


Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"


A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said "yes".
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered, and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "yes."
The salesman said,"well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "no, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "no."
The salesman asked why. "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue." 


"Mommy, where do babies come from?
"The stork, dear."
"Mommy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?"
"The police, dear."
"Mommy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?"
"The fire department, dear."
"Mommy, where does food come from?"
"Farmers, dear."
"Mommy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What do we need Daddy for?"



Three little boys walked up to a fence and noticed that there was a woman sunbathing nude on the other side.
The first boy said "Look, cool",
The second boy said "Kick ass",
The third boy said "oh shit" and started running.
The first & second boys chased after him and when they caught up asked what was wrong.
The third boy said "my mother told me if I looked at naked women I would turn to stone."
The first & second boys laughed and told him that it wasn't true.
And he said, "Yes it is, I could feel it starting."


A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is
a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."


The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt, he stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--"
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Asshole".


The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."


The Lawyer and the Little Boy
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."
Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The police department."
Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track
Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !"


There is no such thing as child-proofing your house  
  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller   blades, they can  ignite  
  A 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant  
  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong   enough  to rotate a 42  pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape  
  It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20  foot room  
  Baseballs make marks on ceilings  
  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on  
  When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few   times before  you get a hit  
  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.  
  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a  ceiling fan  
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too   late  
  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it  
  A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year   old man says  they can only do it in the movies  
  A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day  
  If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -   it explodes  
  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4   inches deep  
  Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old  
  Duplos will not  
  Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence  
  Super glue is forever  
  McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know  
  Ditto Tarzan  
  No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't   walk on water  
  Pool filters do not like Jell-O  
  VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they   do  
  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes  
  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving  
  You probably do not want to know what that odor is  
  Always look in the oven before you turn it on  
  Plastic toys do not like ovens  
  The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time  
  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy  
  It will however make cats dizzy  
  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy  
  Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry


Accompanying her mother to the hairdressers a little girl was unwrapping a toffee when she accidently dropped it on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up and pop it into her mouth, the man who was styling her mothers hair shrieked in horror "Do you know you've got hair all over your sweetie ?"
"Yes," she replied, "and i am only nine!"


A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that his brother could play the piano by ear.
"That's nothing" said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"


A pregnant woman walks into a bank, lines up at the first available teller.
Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot 3 times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she askes the doctor about her baby. The doctor says,
"You're going to have trplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and one boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, I've done a weird thing. " The mother askes what happened and the daughter tells her, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The mother comforts her and explains the incident at the bank. A few weeks later the second daughter comes up to the mother with tears streaming from her eyes.
" Mommy, I've done a bad thing." The mother says, "Let me guess, you passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The daughter looks up at her with teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother then explained the bank incident to her.
A month later the son come up and says " Mommy, I've done a very bad thing." The mother replied " You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
The son replies, "No, I was masturbating and I shot our dog."


One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"


A ten year-old boy is sitting in class, and the teacher asks him, "There are five pigeons sitting on a fence. If you shoot one, how many are left?"
"None," the boy answered, "because the others would fly away at the sound of the shot."
The teacher replies "That wasn't the answer I was looking for, but it's very good. I like the way you think."
So the boy says he has one for her. "Three women are sitting at a counter, eating ice cream cones. The first one is licking the cone, the second one is sucking the cone, and the third is biting it. Which one is married?"
Flustered, the teacher answers "The one sucking the cone."
"No," the boy says, "it is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."


He's pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year- old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."


Son: Dad, I have to do a report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure son, what's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well now, that's a difficult question to explain. Let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the maid the working class, and your baby brother we will call the future. Do you understand? Son: I'm not sure dad, I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning: Son: Dad, I think I now understand politics. Father: That's great son. Now, explain it to me in your own words. Son: Well dad, while the management is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored, and the future is full of shit.


The lottery ticket
Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck yourself."