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Golf Balls
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Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off,
when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf
ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The
other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you
lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I
won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats.
I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets
lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special
golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back --
no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand
trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is
florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the
friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that
anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
Mike walks into the office, and a co-worker asks,
"How was your weekend, Mike?"
"I played a round of golf," he answers, "hit two of my best balls,"
"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.
"Well, I stepped on a rake."
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.As he was
about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the
gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the men's tee".
He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice
again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!!
He looked back at the starters shack and said, "Will the man on the p.a.
shut up so that the man on the ladies tee can hit his second shot".
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and
onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro
finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew
what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a
hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went
back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help."
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She
said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she
sold. She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't," he
said. She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing
so hard. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
salesman,
So I'm STILL one hole behind you.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to
massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he Replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts
like hell."
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off
the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play
through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the
plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and
badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find
his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went
over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was
a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost
golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked,
"Does this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes
home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so
long?"
The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever
had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a
hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."
The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!"
The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it
was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie,
hit the ball, drag Charlie. . . "
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and,
as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very
attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of
the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She
turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little
competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly
enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course
for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I
can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they
kiss, she moves her head lower and she shows him her appreciation...
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent
day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive
round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her
home and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This
is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home
from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a
fine week that he has a surprise planned dinner for two at a fancy
candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse
apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the
reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard.
You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"
A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to
tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no,
he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with
a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating
how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your
age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the
ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age,
that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were
discussing how they would continue the relationship
after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody," Bill said. "I'm a golf
nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're
being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity;
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the
wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his
exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the
blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
Golf Lessons
============
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies
are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and
when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10
feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men
waiting and says apologetically:
"I guess all thosw fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help''
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem.
You should have been taking golf lessons instead.''
The Hitman
==========
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one
Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself,
asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and
then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two
holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did
for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a
hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, "No really, I am a
hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can
take a look if you like."
So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure
enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited
about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I
look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second
and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my
bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my
next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the
hitman how much it would be for a hit.
The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to
shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I
can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the
dick, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's
looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and
asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold
on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."
Confession
==========
A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest says.
"Well," the man starts, "I used profane language this week and I feel
absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this profane language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 200 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"
"Is that when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away
in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of
forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the
green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the %!$#$*& putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
Arnold Palmer the Stud
An avid golfer had just finished his latest round and was sitting in the bar.
He noticed a young lady giving him the eye, so he bought her a drink. One
thing led to another and they ended up in a hotel.
They made love, and when they finished, he reached for the phone. She asked
"What are you doing?" He replied " I'm calling room service to order a couple
of drinks" She said " That's not what Arnold Palmer would do" He said "Oh,
no? What would Arnold Palmer do?' She said " Arnold would open up the window,
take a deep breath, and we would do it again"
So he did, and they made love a second time. When they finished he reached
for the phone. She asked " What are you doing? He replied " I'm calling room
service to order a couple of drinks" She said " That's not what Arnold Palmer
would do" He said " Oh, no? What would Arnold Palmer do?' She said " Arnold
would take a hot shower, get cleaned up, and we would do it again"
So into the shower he goes. He gets all dried off, jumps into bed, and they
make love again. They finish. And he reaches for the phone. She says "What
are your doing? He says " Calling Arnold Palmer to find out what par is for
this hole"
Do you think he is goin' for a birdie ?
An Affair
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon
they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where
they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished
they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes
outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks
(thinking him pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she
asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and
I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent
the afternoon making love then fell asleep. Thats why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those
grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"