For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.
The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.
Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.
Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he was met by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter said, "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a
background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job
assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your backside and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big
operation. You have to pull your weight around here! Your job will be
to supervise Heaven's new data processing center.
We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a
million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic
network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand
CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault-tolerant. Fully
distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This
is really Heaven!"
Saint Peter said, "Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Saint Peter and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new
data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a
hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all
over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables
properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers.
Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half
a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte
of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he
had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for
Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed.
"What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Saint Peter.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Saint Peter. "We need a computer system
that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data
processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ... GO TO HELL!"
Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr.
Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for
all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your
life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous
and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up
forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by
starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in
which there is a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says
Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after
Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of
all?
Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?
Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three?
Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code
Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced
to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity
when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my
father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she
served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Larry
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -
kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -
ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
mailtobtkisser@bendover.com>
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His
broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous
input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and
had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the
5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware
admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself,
"She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you,
Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical
fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear
functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base
address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then
transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new
page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my
machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and
chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode
and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional
acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the
shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled
on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?",
but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal
the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you
RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware
policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of
overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted
his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to
log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and
opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his
fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU
stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support
child processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort
because of my design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned
off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his
main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever
think of is hex!"
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating
its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the
company
was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in
the
room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C Return"
Someone else chimed in "Yes, return"
Unfortunately, the software worked
Customer "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support "It crashed?"
Customer "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer "No, it didn't crash--it crashed."
Tech Support "Huh?"
Customer "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I
crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Tech Support "All right ... now double-click on the File Manager
icon."
Customer "That's why I hate this Windows--because of the
icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't
believe it was meant to--"
Customer "I don't care about any 'industry terms.' I don't
believe in icons."
Tech Support "Well ... why don't you click on the 'little picture'
of a file cabinet. Is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer [click]
Customer "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support "Yeah."
Customer "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Some people pay for their online services with checks made
payable to "The Internet."
I work for a local ISP. Frequently, we receive phone calls that go
something like this Customer "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Customer "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the
document back to the sender when I was finished with it
because he needed to keep it.
Overheard in a computer shop
Customer "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson "Certainly, sir. We've got a large variety."
Customer "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Tech Support "OK, Bob, press the Control and Escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer "What do you mean?"
Tech Support "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer "I'm not going to do that!"
Tech Support "How much free space do you have on your
hard drive?"
Customer "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,
and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Actual calls to customer support
A woman called the Canon help desk to solve a problem with
her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded,"No, my desk is next to the door. But
that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his is working fine."
CREATORS ADMIT UNIX AND C LANGUAGE HOAX
In an announcement that stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted the UNIX operating system
and C programming language created by them is an elaborate prank, kept
alive over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software
Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following
"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T
Multics project. Brian and I had started work with an early release of
Pascal from Professor Niklaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we
were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just
finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a National Lampoon parody of the
Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and
Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment.
We looked at Multics and designed the new OS to be as complex and
cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels,
calling it UNIX as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risqué
allusions. We sold the terse command language to novitiates by telling
them that it saved them typing.
Then Dennis and Brian worked on a warped version of Pascal, called 'A'.
'A' looked a lot like Pascal, but elevated the notion of the direct
memory address (which Wirth had banished) to the central concept of the
language. This was Dennis's contribution, and he in fact coined the
term "pointer" as an innocuous sounding name for a truly malevolent
construct.
Brian must be credited with the idea of having absolutely no standard
I/O specification this ensured that at least 50% of the typical
commercial program would have to be recoded when changing hardware
platforms. Brian was also responsible for pitching this lack of I/O as
a feature it allowed us to describe the language as "truly portable."
When we found others were actually creating real programs with A, we
removed compulsory type-checking on function arguments.
Later, we added a notion we called "casting" this allowed the
programmer to treat an integer as though it were a 50k user-defined
structure. When we found that some programmers were simply not using
pointers, we eliminated the ability to pass structures to functions,
enforcing their use in even the Simplest applications.
We sold this, and many other features, as enhancements to the efficiency
of the language. In this way, our prank evolved into B, BCPL, and
finally C. We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following
syntax
for (;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=3DC;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("|"+(*u/4)%2);
At one time, we joked about selling this to the Soviets to set their
computer science progress back 20 or more years.
Unfortunately, AT&T and other US corporations actually began using UNIX
and C. We decided we'd better keep mum, assuming it was just a passing
phase. In fact, it's taken US companies over 20 years to develop enough
expertise to generate useful applications using this 1960's
technological parody.
We are impressed with the tenacity of the general UNIX and C
programmer. In fact, Brian, Dennis and I have never ourselves attempted
to write a commercial application in this environment. We feel really
guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly awesome programming projects
that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
Dennis Ritchie said
"What really tore it (just when ADA was catching on), was that Bjarne
Stroustrup caught onto our joke. He extended it to further parody,
Smalltalk. Like us, he was caught by surprise when nobody laughed. So
he added multiple inheritance, virtual base classes, and later ...
templates. All to no avail. So we now have compilers that can compile
100,000 lines per second, but need to process header files for 25
minutes before they get to the meat of "Hello, World".
Major UNIX and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused to comment on the
announcement. Officials of Borland International, a leading vendor of
object-oriented tools, including Turbo Pascal and Borland C++, stated
they suspected this for a couple of years.
In fact, the notoriously late Quattro Pro for Windows was originally
written in C++. Borland CEO Del Yocam said "I'm told that, after two
and a half years of programming, and massive programmer burn-out, we
recoded the whole thing in Turbo Pascal in three months. It's fair to
say that Turbo Pascal saved our bacon back then." Another Borland
spokesman said that they would continue to enhance their Pascal
products, and halt further efforts to develop C/C++.
Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2
and Oberon structured languages, cryptically said "P.T. Barnum was
right." He had no further comments.
Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 95
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Costello Hey, Abbot!
Abbot Yes, Lou?
Costello I just got my first computer.
Abbot That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard
drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot That's terrific, Lou.
Costello But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot You will in time.
Costello That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot Oh?
Costello I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot Well, I don't know-
Costello Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbot Really?
Costello Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot That's true.
Costello So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off. What do I do?
Abbot Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot I know, you press the Start button-
Costello Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot I did.
Costello When?
Abbot When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot To shut off the computer.
Costello I press Start to stop.
Abbot Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot Start.
Costello Start what?
Abbot Start button.
Costello Start button to do what?
Abbot Shut down.
Costello You don't have to get rude!
Abbot No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello Then say what you mean.
Abbot To shut down the computer, press-
Costello Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot Then what do you want me to say?
Costello Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot But that's what you do.
Costello And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot Don't be ridiculous.
Costello I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot What are you talking about?
Costello I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD COMPUTER PROBLEMS
Check out these exerpts from a Wall street Journal article by Jim
Carlton.
1) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key"to "Press
Return key" because of the floods of calls asking where the any key
is.
2) AST Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3) Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the costumer labeled the disks
then rolled them into a typewriter to type the labels.
4) Another AST customer was asked to send in a copy o her defective
diskettes . A few days later a letter arrived with xeroxed copies of
the floppies.
5) A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing
the room to close the door of his room.
6) Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything . After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the Send key.
7) Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he to go to the local Egghead. " Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a
software store, the man said, " Oh, I thought you meant for me to find
a couple of geeks."
8) Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
9) A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was " bad and an invalid ". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10) An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened whhen she pushed
the power button. Her response, " I pushed and pushed on the foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.
11) Another customer called Compaq tech support to say that her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in, and sat for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked.
"What power switch?"
12) True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp
Caller "Hello, is this tech support?"
Tech Rep "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller "The cup holder on my Pc is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting it fixed?" Tech Rep "I am sorry,
did you say a cup holder?" Caller "Yes, it is attached to the front
of my computer." Tech Rep "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped,
it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at
a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it? Caller "It came with my computer, I don't know
anything about a promotion It just says 4x on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive.
The Vanilla Ice Cream Problem (fwd)
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the
solution, and that
the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not
answering me, because
I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our
family of ice cream for
dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every
night, after we've eaten,
the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive
down to the store
to get it. It'salso a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since
then my trips to the store
have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I
start back from the
store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car
starts just fine. I want you to
know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What
is there about a Pontiac
that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start
whenever I get any other
kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but
sent an engineer to check
it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful,
obviously well-educated
man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after
dinner time, so the two
hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice
cream that night and, sure
enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got
chocolate. The car
started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third
night he ordered vanilla.
The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's
car was allergic to vanilla
ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it
took to solve the
problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all
sorts of data, time of
day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than
any other flavor. Why?
The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front
of the store for quick
pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a
different counter where it took
considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it
took less time. Once
time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly
came up with the
answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken
to get the other flavors
allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got
vanilla, the engine was
still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
What If the Universe Ran Windows 95?
------------------------------------
Tech Support: Hello, this is Microsoft Tech Support. This service costs
$19.95 per minute. Now, what is your name?
God: God.
TS: God? You don't sound like Bill Gates.
God: The other God.
TS: Okay, what's your problem?
God: I just installed Windows 95 Universe Edition...
TS: What kind of system are you running?
God: A Class-A Universe with 4.42 x 10^2321 cubic meters of random-access
space and an AMD K62 Billion Terahertz Processor
TS: Hmm, Win95 U.E. works best on an Inhell Pentiumgram Processor.
God: Whatever.
TS: Okay, okay, so what's your problem?
God: Last week I uninstalled MacUniverse 5.0 from the system and installed
Win95 U.E., making sure to send in my registration card. Anyways, I booted
the system, and .5 nanoseconds after the Big Bang the Universe crashed.
TS: Did you see an error message?
God: Yes, I did. It said "Module GRAVITY has performed an illegal operation
and will be shut down."
TS: Did you reboot?
God: That's your solution for everything, isn't it? Yes, I did. And the same
error came up.
TS: This sounds like an intermittent issue. If you'll hold for a few
minutes, I'll confer with the Win95 U.E. development team. You may have
stumbled on to an insect.
God waits on hold for 2.3 days, listening to background music.
TS: Allright, God, we've isolated the problem. Apparently one of the
programmers typed in the Gravitational Constant wrong. We've fixed the
problem, and a Service Pack will be publicly available shortly. We'll have
to mail it to you, since it's over 2.3 gigabytes in size, and also contains
the latest version of GalaxyNet Explorer with ActiveHex Technology. Goodbye.
God receives and installs the Service Pack, and boots the Universe. He sees:
Booting Windows 95 Universe Edition Service Pack 323a.
(C) Microsoft Empire, 2032. All rights reserved in the
United Microsoft Empire and other insignificant nations.
Registry error.
The Registry is corrupt. System halted. Please re-install.
"Damn!" God shouts. "That's it! I'm installing SlackUniverse Linux!"
Yesterday,
all those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
there's not half the files there used to be,
and there's a millstone
hanging over me,
the system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
what it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
the need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
A friend once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
A worker for a local ISP told me 'Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"'
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
"The Internet."
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The
tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then
responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
working fine."
How to Clean Your Mouse
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all
field engineers about a computer peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The
engineers rolled on the floor.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted
by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic
balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using
the pop-off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each
replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum
customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary items."
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is
true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
Power = ------
Time
Since, as everyone knows (postulated above) , Knowledge = Power, and
Time = Money, we have:
Work
Knowledge = ------
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
Money = ---------
Knowledge Q.E.D.!
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Databug
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way --------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL *.* 100% compression
12. The Defn. of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES 15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah na!
17. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem 24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 dietcokes in a case...coincidense?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who is General Failure & why's he reading my disk?=
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFN: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rhosritched mg kebord awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates,1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=3DFNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=3DOFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data!
"Windows Quotes"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Windows: Just another pain in the glass
* Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
* Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
* Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
* Windows: The Gates of hell
* Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
* Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
* MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
* Windows: XT emulator for an AT
* Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
* OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
* Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
* Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
* Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
* MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
* Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
* Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
* "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
* Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
* Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
* Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
* Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
* A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
* Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
* Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
* Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
* Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
* Bugs come in through open Windows
* Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
* DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
* DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
* Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !"
* Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
* Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
* Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
* Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
* Exhibitionists love Windows
* Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
* Have you crashed your Windows today ?
* I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
* I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
* I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ...
* If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
* If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ?
* If Windows sucked it would be good for something
* Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
* My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
* New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
* New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
* OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
* Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
* Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
* Some windows were made to be broken
* Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
* Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
* Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
* Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
* Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
* Windows NT: Nice Try
* Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
* Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
* Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time !
* Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows !
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we
are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent
our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately.
The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for
other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D.,
they can request a review of the employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal
with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies,
employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be
S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to
get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received
H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) programme.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We
have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area.
If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the
job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially
trained to make sure you recieve all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
The Management
MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good
it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then
enter: .
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
will set itself and cook the dinner.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
from the oven and enter .
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is
all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is
invalidated.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought
tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single
ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?"
asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an
engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their
respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom
and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed,
the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the
restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a
crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and
agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When
they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How
are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When
they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a
restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The
train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his
restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other
on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to
the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
Programmer persists and explains that the game is really
easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and
if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the
Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The
Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Engineer's
complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks
the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his
wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the
Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a
puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem
and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated,
he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer
and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and
turns away to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more that
a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what
IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into
his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.
THE TOP 55 NERD T-SHIRT SLOGANS
1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way --------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL
Three people were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a
system analyst, and a software engineer. The system analyst was
driving and when they came to a steep hill, she found that the
brakes had failed, and the car started accelerating out of
control.
The system analyst pumped the emergency brake, downshifted the
gears, and rubbed the wheel rims against the curb. She finally
wrestled the car to a stop. The three climbed out and assessed
the situation.
The hardware technician said, "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl
under the car and take a look."
The system analyst said, "No, I think we should get someone
qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
The software engineer said, "Why don't we just get back in and
see if it happens again?"
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your
keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the
car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds
of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to
the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who
tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in
his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car
and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band
in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in
town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the
store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of
the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to
the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making
love came up. The first woman said, "Well, I'm married to a psychologist,
so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates
first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we always end up having a
wonderful night of lovemaking."
The second woman said, "Well, I'm married to a Harley-Davidson motorcycle
rider, and whenever we make love, he slaps me around a little bit, then
throws me on the bed, and then goes at it like Tarzan. I've gotten used to
it."
The third woman said, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft, so whenever we
make love, he just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's
gonna be."
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a
couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the
Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility
when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking
for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on
fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall
building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot
banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy,
"Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're
in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn
and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the
airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as
the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple,"
replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from
there the airport is just five miles due East."
HE ADVENTURES OF MICRO-FARAD AND MILLI-AMP One
night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek
out a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took
her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
Bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by a
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic
curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a
minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and
lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and
inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short
circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled,
"OHM-OHM-OHM." With his tube operating at a maximum and her
field vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and
Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his
magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength. Afterwards,
Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. With his
battery fully discharged, Micro- Farad was unable to excite his field, so
they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each
other's fuses. THE END
Subject: GOOD TIMES is reborn
The latest breaking news on the GOODTIMES virus.
It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very dangerous after all.
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to
cratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix
Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave dirty
socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a
dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car
keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank
and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your
back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead,
such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully
those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It
will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's
voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous
and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of
mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet
seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then
leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and
Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything.
Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... .
A "Don't remind me again" button
. Minimize button
. Shutdown feature
. An installshield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired
(so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed,
they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I
tried to install it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks-in all versions of Girlfriend that I've
used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports
hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.
jeg har hørt et rykte om at en ny girlfriend versjon skal
lanseres med et mouse-cleaning sett. ha ha ha
PROPER CARE OF FLOPPIES
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of
the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes
should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic
metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over
the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be
removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the
diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the
diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
"Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can
fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics
of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox
machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply
insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a
document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while
the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or
possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains
flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your
system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove
the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This
will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more
storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to
prevent loss data.
8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in
the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access
points to the disk.
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided
that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the
diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data
is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up
with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your
document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however,
provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system
bugs from spreading.
The Sex Life of an Electron II
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked
his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly.
I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K,
"I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and
meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and
thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my
firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and
chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded
on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements
although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path
to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to
see my benchmark subroutine?", but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she
said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer,
a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he
could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened
her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully
packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when
she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because
of my design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini
stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think
of is hex!"
