Adult

Reno's Adult joke-page
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"Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone.
"The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has." Said the man.
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the Doc.
"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

A man goes to the hospital to visit a sick friend. He walks into his hospital room and sees the nurse giving his friend a hand-job. Startled the man's jaw drops and says nothing. His sick friend notices the startled look and explains "Oh don't worry, this is part of my treatment. I have severe abdominal pain and the Doc said it was caused from lack of sex and my sperm is back up causing the pain". His friend smiled and said "And this is what the Doc prescribed to relive the back pressure. It works great".

The man regains his composure and looks behind the dividing curtain at the man in the next bed, and to his surprise he sees a nurse giving him a blowjob. Again his jaw drops. His sick friend sees this and explained "He has the same problem I have but he has better insurance".

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

Roger lived by himself on a remote stretch of beach. One day as he was riding his horse along the shore he saw a beautiful woman painting a canvas. He rode up and down in front of her, but she didn't react to him. "I'll paint my horse yellow," he decided, "and then she'll notice me. She'll say. 'Oh, I see you have a yellow horse.' And I'll get talking to her and then I'll invite her back to my cabin for lunch and we'll have a bottle of wine, and then I'll open another bottle and we'll talk some more, and then it'll start to get cold so I'll light a fire, and we'll be sitting close in front of it. Soon we'll gently touch, then kiss, then make beautiful love all night. Yeah, that's what I'll do."

The next day he painted his horse yellow and went in search of the woman. As he approached she looked up and said, "I see you have a yellow horse."

"Yeah," Roger said. "Wanna fuck?"

The farm boy said to his father,
"Y'know, pop, I've just realized that an egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation."
"And why is that?" asked the elder farmer.
" 'Cuz," replied the boy, "it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom.

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his = little boy and sent this note to his wife

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN PUT THE CANVAS AWAY THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S THE BEST IN THE LAND BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!

QUIZ HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND???

Take the quiz and write down your answers. After you get to the last one, see how correct you are, and then see what you score is. Good Luck!

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10.This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy thing at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, some-times slowly, sometime quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have cease emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?

Now, scroll down to check your answers hopefully you did very well! After you check your answers see what your score is ! Now scroll down!

ANSWERS 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. Peanut Butter 4. A Chewing Gum 5. An elevator 6. A nose 7. A newspaper boy 8. A glove 9. A Crane 10. A toothbrush, of course SCORING 0-1 YIKES! You pervert! 2-4 Get your mind out of the gutter! 5-7 Good job. 8-10 Are you asexual?

Roses are straight Violets are twisted Bend over, love You're about to get fisted. Roses are crap Violets are wanky Oooh I've just come Pass me a hanky Roses are stupid Violets are silly Grease up your flaps Cos here comes my willy Roses are awful Violets are the pits Lift up your shirt And show us your tits Roses are crap Violets are shit Sit on my face And wiggle a bit Roses make me laugh Violets make me titter You're a dirty bitch And you love it up the shitter

This couple was getting ready to go to bed together for the first time.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, she notices that his toes are all deformed. So she asked him what happened to his toes. He tells her that, when he was a kid, he had tolio. She asked if he meant polio. He said, "No, tolio. It only affected my toes."

Then he takes off his pants and she notices that his knees are all scarred. So again she asked what happened to his knees. He told her that he had kneasles when he was a kid. She asked if he meant measles. He replied, "No, kneasles. It only affected my knees."

Then he removes his underwear and she says, "Oh, don't tell me, you had smallcocks!"

A man says to his wife "darling I would love to have sex with you tonight."

She replies, "please don't ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have sex, say something like 'is the washing machine working tonight' and only you and I will know what you mean."

The next day the man says to his wife "is the washing machine working tonight dear" to which she replies "no, its broken."

A couple of days later he asks "that washing machine, is it working now" to which she replies "no, its still broken."

A week later he asks "has the washing machine been repaired" to which she replies "no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it."

The following week the wife says to her husband "darling, the washing machine has been repaired and its working perfectly" to which the husband replies

"don't worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand."

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a beauty, eh?!"

Subject: Viewing

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. It did? I'm sorry to hear that, she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died.
"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing."

Two elderly men, who had been without sex for many long years, decided they needed to visit a whorehouse.

The Madame decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old geezers, so she said nothing and, reasoning their eyesight was poor, and confusion quotient high, substituted inflatable dolls and left the old fellows to get on with it.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned . . . how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well, said the second man, "when I nibbled on her boobs, she farted and flew out of the window!

A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!!!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

MORNING BREATH
--------------

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

Another woman also had a parrot who was constantly squawking profanity. She consulted a veterinarian, who said that the parrot probably just needed sex, and that he had a female parrot he would rent to the woman for $500.

It was a lot of money, but finally the woman paid. She put the female parrot in her parrot's cage, and pulled a cover over the cage. Moments later she heard screeching from the cage, and rushed back to find that her bird had the female pinned to the bottom of the cage and was plucking her feathers.

"For five hundred dollars!" shouted the male parrot, "I want you NAKED! NAKED!!!"

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behaviour and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.

"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"

Frustrate by her husband's insistence that they mak love in the dark, and hoping to free him of his inhibitions, a wife flipped on her readin lamp one passionate evening, only to find a cucumber in her husband's hand.

"Is THIS," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last five years??!?"

"Honey, let me explain....."

"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a ...."

"I'm sneaky?!" her husband replied indignantly, "Perhaps you'd care to explain our three kids?"

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and was never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Rob had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him,

"Rob. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient, and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

"Rob, you're a veterinarian."

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

This really is a true story.....
Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about My friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass. However, when a mate at UCD wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so hereit is

A girl, let's call her Linda, is in Trinity. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness Trinners life has to offer. Linda, being the computer science undergrad she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her ass off designing computer programs and installing software.

One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line.

Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Paul. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Anne," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Linda, as 'Anne,' is on the line with Paul again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Linda didn't tell Paul she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.

The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Anne' & Paul had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together. Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Paul told Linda he thought she could be his next wife. Linda was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Galway. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Linda didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room at the Great

Southern? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Paul agreed. Linda showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the receptionist to hold a key for a guest. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Paul when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Paul?" A voice replied, "Anne?" "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to seeLinda on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard were two blood curling screams. Linda covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, "Dad?" This happened.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

The fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old father:

"Dad, lately I've been having a problem with impotence. Tell me, do you have the same problem? Is it something that runs in our family?"

"Well," his father replied, "I don't know about your mother's side of the family, but I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a lad, I would work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the full length of a football field. But nowadays my knees give in when I'm half way."

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man,
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'it' too big, it's too big'."

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded,
"Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

"Mom, I'm pregnant."

"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?

"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years.

First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy "I... w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r.. i..e..d.

The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you dont stutter any more."

The answer comes " y..e..s   I w..e..n..t   t..o   a   d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d   h..e     t..o..l..d    m..e    t..h..a..t   i..f    I s..p..e.. a..k..   s..l..o..w..l..y    I    w..i..l..l     n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about the exstutterer saying he "was almost married."

"W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I    w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g..    o..n    h..e..r     p..o...r..c..h     a..n..d t..h..e     d..o..g     w..a..s    s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k    a..n..d    I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r t..h..a..t   w..h..e..n w..e    a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e    c..a..n   d..o t..h..a..t    f..o..r     m..e   a..n..d s..h..e     t..h..r..e..w t..h..e     r..i..n..g     i..n    m..y f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend

" W..e..l..l    I     s..p..e..a..k    s..o     s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h.. a..t     b..y     t..h..e   t..i..m..e     s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t t..h..e     d..o..g.     h..e     w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever.

There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a s heer teddy.

He kicks her in the face.

Ralph takes his wife, Mildred, to the livestock show. As they walk past the pens holding the bulls, Mildred notices a sign by the first bull stating "This bull mated 50 times last year." Mildred turns to her husband and says, "You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign states "This bull mated 100 times last year." Mildred turns to Ralph and says, "This one mated twice a week! You can learn from this bull, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said "This bull mated 365 times last year." The Mildred's mouth drops open and exclaims, "Wow! He mated every single day of the year!!! You could really learn a lot from this bull."

Ralph turns to Mildred and smiles, "I doubt if he mated 365 times with the same old cow."

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years.

One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch.

Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back,

"We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Big Cojones

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.

"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.

Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."

"True, senor," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose."

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide downunder the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he reaized he had to take a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked

"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

D. D.'s Guide to Sex with Cars (for males) -------------------------------------------------- Howdy. Read this entire document before trying any of the steps. 'Having sex with a car'. The phrase is sometimes misunderstood to mean sex in a car, and sometimes is greeted with skepticism. How can you have sex with a car? The short answer is, up the tailpipe. The long answer is much more involved, including techniques, precautions and cautions all designed to get you maximum satisfaction from screwing a car. Our first subject will be the tailpipe. The tailpipe of the car is, of course, where the exhaust comes out. So in this sense, the tailpipe is an anus. First we will deal with some cautions you should know about. In most cars, the edge of the tailpipe is sharp. You should therefore exercise caution when doing anything with the tailpipe. If the engine has been on for a long (or even a relatively short) period of time, the tailpipe will be hot. Do not do anything with the tailpipe hot. Wait until the tailpipe has cooled off. The tailpipe will cool off faster than the engine, so you don't have long to wait. I call screwing the car while the tailpipe is hot, "fucking the car hot". Never fuck a car hot. I did, once. Once. The exhaust from a car contains poisonous gases. One of these, carbon monoxide, is a slow killer. Carbon monoxide takes a long time to be flushed out of the body, so it can build up to toxic levels without your knowing it. Never do anything with the tailpipe while the engine is on! Now, the first thing you should note is that the inside of the tailpipe is usually coated with soot. This is the usual particulate debris of combustion. Before having sex with the car, clean the inside of the tailpipe with soap and warm water, as far as you can go. Keep in mind the possibly sharp edge of the tailpipe. Now that the tailpipe is clean, you are ready to pleasure and be pleasured by the car. You can do this two ways. One way doesn't require any equipment. The other way (which is much more rewarding) does. The first way is to fuck the car 'raw'. This does NOT mean stuffing your cock into the tailpipe and thrusting. This would hurt (remember the sharp edges?) and be no fun anyway, since the tailpipe doesn't flex. What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off. When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of the car, and then come. But, in the heat of passion, you must still remember the sharp edge. Even putting just the head into the tailpipe is good enough. Just make VERY sure that you don't hurt yourself. Now, this assumes that you can get your cock into the tailpipe in the first place. Some tailpipes are too small, and then, well, you're out of luck. Find someone who has a car with a bigger tailpipe. The best way to have sex with a car, however, is not raw. You need the following equipment 1 D D Industries (Teledildonics Division) Sexual Interface Unit. If you don't have one, you can get one through me (xxxx, xxxx@xxxx.com) or you can attempt to build one yourself. The SIU is essentially a tube made of foam rubber, rolled such that the inner diameter is slightly smaller than the diameter of your erect penis. When lubricated, it acts as a sexual interface to whatever you attach it to. In this case, it is inserted into the tailpipe of the car you want to have sex with. To build one, you will need black electrical tape, a 'Koozie', a can of soda, and a hefty pair of scissors. A 'Koozie' is a foam rubber dingumbob in which you put a soda. It keeps the soda cold and your hand warm. Being a 'give-away' item, you usually can't find it anywhere. I've had reports of finding them in liquor stores. I've actually found a good deal of them at a local discount-type store. There are two kinds, thick walled and thin walled. I've only been able to find the thick kind; the thin kind I've only been able to get through an advertising company. The thin kind is particularly good with tailpipes not much bigger than your cock. Here is what you need to do 1. Measure the circumference of your erect penis. This is most easily done by wrapping a string around your cock (around the shaft, not the head). 2. Take the bottom of the Koozie out. You should be left with a tube. 3. Cut the wall of the tube from top to bottom so that you are left with a slab of foam rubber which refuses to stay straight. /------------\ \------------/ | | | | | | | | | | cut^ | | | | | | | \------------/ 4. Now, carefully cut away material parallel to the first cut until you can put the ends together making a smaller tube, and such that the inner circumference of the tube is slightly smaller (say, by 1/2" or so) than the circumference of your shaft. 5. Take a piece of electrical tape. Hold the ends of the tube flush. Place the tape on the cut on the outside to secure the tube in the middle. Now repeat with more tape until the cut is secure. Wrap tape around the whole thing. 6. Drink the soda. With the scissors, CAREFULLY cut off the top and bottom of the aluminum can. CAREFULLY cut a strip of aluminum lengthwise from the can, about 3/4" to 1" wide. 7. Coat the strip with electrical tape. This is to prevent the edges from cutting. 8. Attach the strip to the tube at one end attach here only | V ============ <- strip (curled upward a bit) ====== ---------------------------- ^ \ / \ | | | | | | | | | | \ / | V / ---------------------------- 9. 'Test drive' it! Lube it up with KY (try not to use oil-based lubricant; you may want to use it with more than one person, and then you'll be using a condom). Now, stuff the SIU up the tailpipe and lube well. You now have several options for fucking your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts. If the car is manual transmission, chock the wheels well, remove the emergency brake, and put the car into gear -- the higher the gear, the more play the car has. This will also enable the car to rock. Kneel behind the car. Now thrust in. You may not have any trouble with heavier manual transaxled cars, since you may not have to chock the wheels -- the weight of the car will prevent the engine from 'topping out' and moving the car away. Lighter manual transaxled cars are more likely to be topped out by your thrusts, so chocking is necessary. In general, the lower the gear, the less play, but the more difficult it is to top the engine out. Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire. I've also had some success leaning on my side and fucking the car sideways. More than one person can fuck a car if it has more than one tailpipe on opposite sides of the car. This will also make the car rock faster and harder since the energy of two people will add. NEVER fuck a car with the engine on. Firstly, you will be breathing hard, and that means you can poison yourself faster. Secondly, the car will either stall (because there's something blocking the tailpipe, heh) -- causing damage to the engine -- or will force the exhaust out. And you have an idea where the exhaust will go, I trust. Ouch! Fatality City! If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside. So you do not have to worry about STDs from that. What you will have to worry about, though, is the SIU itself. It is not being sterilized. Therefore, if you use an SIU you think is going to be used by someone else, use a condom, and use KY jelly or some other water-based lubricant. Remember -- oil rots condoms, and so will an oil-based lubricant. Enjoy your cars!

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while leaving the shop to his salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop.

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

The Shopkeeper answers, "$35."

She "How much for the black one?"

He "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

She "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."

She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

He "$35."

She "How much for the white one?"

He "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

She "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."

She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

He "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

She "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

He "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."

She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."

She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who is a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her - don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seems like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman,

"Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion "Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home."

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. After a week he is employee of the week... after a month he knows his job so well that he becomes employee of the month A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired. "FIRED! How can you get fired, you're always employee of the week, month and year.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired. "Oh no, not again" What did you do this time? She asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer. "You didn't" she asks, "Well, yes I did"

Then she asks" did it hurt?" "No no really" Puzzled she then asks, "well what happened to the pickle slicer?" "oh she got fired too!"

Q What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q How is a woman like a condom?
A Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Q How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A Kick his sister in the jaw

Q What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

Q What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A Full.

Q How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A Put a nipple on it.

Q What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A Money

Q What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A After five years your job will still suck.

Q What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A It's not hard.

Q Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A More head room.

Q What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A They are both used as substitute meat.

Q What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A A bellybutton!

Q Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Thats right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her, having lost all professonal control. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "you're getting herpes."

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, as he was finishing dinner, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enos... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enos is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enos stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. And Thanks again."

Once again Enos turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's certainly not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?

Enos stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two)
Obvious reply No, why?
Because they're mine.

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

hat's a nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you're wearing.

What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck tie if you prefer.

Just where do those legs of yours end?

Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!

I love every muscle in your body. Especially mine!

I bet I could guess your weight if you sat on my face.

Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to fuck me, don't you?

Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?

You make my softwear turn to hardwear!

Are those fuck me eyes, or fuck you eyes?

As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

Look at the tag on the back of a girl's shirt. When she turns around, say, "Just checking to see if you were made in heaven."

Hey baby are you wearing your space underwear tonight? Because your ass is out of this world

Grab them in the rump and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"

Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
No, why?
Because I can sure see myself in your pants!

A man approached me at a bar and asked me if my feet hurt. I looked at him strangely and said, "No, why". He replied, "because you are obviously an angel who has just decended onto this earth and you are used to flying, and not walking"

Excuse me, can you give me directions?
To where?
To your heart.

Bill joined the foreign legion... He was assigned to a fort way out in the Sahara Desert far from any town. During his orientation session he asked the Sergeant what the Legionnaires did when they had to "relieve their urge."

"The desert provides, son," the Sergeant said. "When you feel the need at night for pussy, go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick in the hole and you'll get relief."

Bill was very sceptical, but soon he was so horny he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. Sure enough, a pair of warm lips surrounded his erect member and quickly brought him to ecstasy.

Bill suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the next night and the third. But on the fourth night, when he trust his dick in... nothing happened. He rushed back, found the Sergeant, and asked, "What the hell is going on!?"

"Forgot to tell you," the Sergeant said. "It's your night to sit in the hut."

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo- Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

Rudolph the Red Dicked Reindeer

Rudolph the red-dicked reindeer Had a very shiny dong And if you ever saw it, You would swear it's three feet long

All of the female reindeer Used to run away in fear Whenever horny Rudolph Brought his giant organ near

Then one sultry Christmas Eve Santa had to say "Rudolph with your dong so bright, "Won't you hump my wife tonight!"

And then Mrs. Claus she loved him, 'Til she shouted out with glee "Rudolph the red-dicked Reindeer, "You're the only deer I need!"

[All rights reserved, buddy...]
bd

A white guy is standing in bathroom at the urinal takin' a piss. And a Black guy come RUNNING in to the bathroom. and jumps to the urinal next to the white guy and he pulls out his dick. (which was the biggest dick the white guy had ever seen) and the back guy says with a sigh "Phew. I just made it!"

The whit guy looks at his the other guys dick and says"Can you make me one in white?"

Phillips fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man, leaving Sundays free.

Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillips swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing."

"Shit," sighed Phillips, "there go my Sundays."

LOST
A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life. The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbours got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. The old man said: "well, one time my neighbour's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbour's wife. It was a lot of fun."
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said: "Well, one time I was lost..."

An old geezer is sitting in his rocking chair out on his porch one day when he sees this kid from the neighbourhood strooling along with some chicken wire.
So the old man asks, "what'ya planning on doing with that there chicken wire?"
The kid says that he's gonna go get himself some chicken.
The old man laughs at the kid's stupidity and the kid is on his way. But a little while latter the kid comes back with a half dozen chickens all rounded up inside the chicken wire.
The next day the kid's walking by the old man place again this time with some duck tape. The old man ask what the kid had in mind and the kid says,
"I'm gonna get me some duck." So, the old man thinks the kid fluked out the day before and again laughs at the kid.
A little while later the kid again passes by the old man with some fine looking malards.
The following day the old man is sitting out on his porch when he sees the kid pass by. This time with some pussy willow.
So, the old man says, "Hold on let me get my hat."

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Gorilla in the tree

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained
Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.

He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named "Chet".

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.

The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way". The husband says it is great, "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know ..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way". The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing,

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

A fireman was talking to his wife and told her "We have this really good system down at the station. One bell means that we all grab our gear, two bells means that we all slide down the pole, and three bells means that we all board the fire engine and leave. So that's what we're going to do around here. When I say one bell, I want you to take off all of your clothes. When I say two bells, I want you to get in the bed. When I say three bells, we start screwing.
Later on that night, the fireman said one bell, and his wife began to disrobe. Then, he said two bells, and his wife jumped into the bed. Then, he said three bells, and they began to screw. After a couple of minutes, his wife said "four bells."
The fireman said "What's that mean ?"
She said "The fire is not out and I need more hose!"

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished."

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute.
Finally the woman states, "Okay, then... I'm a chicken farmer."
"What?" the accountant asks. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well," the woman explains, "I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her a quarter to buy a razor.

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor.
The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"
The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."
The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....' and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

Two worms live together on a golf course.
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."
The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."
So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.
At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.
The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."
Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course.
Do it right here. Nobody will know."
The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"
Her friend says, "Yeah."
And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.
She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.
She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched.
He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"
The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!". The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best callgirl they have for him. Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then says," My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!"

Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!!".

His penis immediately goes limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!". (A raging hard-on once again.) He follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.)

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!".

His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE!!".

The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!".

Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!".

No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells "Goddammit!!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks "What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order -- and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!!!"

One day, an elderly man tells his wife that he's going downtown to apply for social security.
"How are you going to do that?" his wife replied. "You have to have your birth certificate, and you lost yours years ago."
"Dont worry about that" he said, and off he went.
Several hours later, he returned, and his wife said "Well, what happened?" The man said, starting next month, I will begin to recieve social security checks."
"How did you do that without a birth certificate?" she asked.
"Well" he began,"All I had to do is show them the gray hairs on my chest, and they said that I was eligible to recieve social security benifits.
His wife said "While you were down there, you should have showed them your dick, and applied for disability benifits."

What would you do if I died?
----------------------------------
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."

A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment. The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away. With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants and with a smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and nothing happened. The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny and the black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."

A huge Butch dyke walks into a pub and, slams her fist on the bar and yells out "I'm looking for a man.!"

Most of the guys cringe and move to the back of the room, but six or seven guys smile and move forward.

She glares at them as she grabs a beer and chugs it down. "This man has to have long dark hair that a woman can dig her fingers into, and a body as hard as iron."

Half of the guys hesitate and back off, but three strut their way forward, and she looks them over.

"This man has to have a cock eight inches long that a woman grab an go at for all her life depends on it." She says.

Two of the guys went pale and backed off, but the remaining one puffs out his chest and steps up to her.

She looks him up and down. She stands up and matches him, bulging biceps and all. She sneers "You ever made to a lesbian, and made her scream with passion?"

"Yeah," he says. "Just last week in this hotel. And she enjoyed every second of it."

She crushes the beer bottle in one hand and snarls, "That was my girl friend!"

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one.

He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.

"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."

The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."

"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?" "Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."

To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.

"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bedsheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to a sure death..."Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except for that!" The man asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said...and dropped her. WHAM!

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says "For God's sake Mildred, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole !

How Precious

Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.

"What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says with a blush in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, and recovered my senses, I called him 'Precious!' "

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor.

She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs".

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."

There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is your way?"

"On credit."

There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated. The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.

The next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet.

The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the boy's old Captain and tell him. When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy.

The old Captain replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!"

This farmer woke up one morning to find that a few of his animals run away. So he went to the nearest farm to replace them. When he got there he knocked on the door and asked for a chicken. The other farmer said, "Sure you can have a chicken, but around here we call them cocks." Then the farmer asked for a rooster. The other farmer said," Sure you can have a rooster, but around here we call them pull-its." The farmer was about to leave when he realised that he didn't feel like carrying all of his animals. So he asked for a donkey. The other farmer said, "Sure you can have a donkey, but around here we call them asses. Oh and one other thing, if he stops in the middle of the road, scratch his ears, that should get him going again. " So while the farmer was going down the road, his ass stopped, and on the side of the road he saw a beautiful woman. He went up to her and said,"Can you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink".
She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

There was a rooster and cat on this farm in the country. They are always compeating about something. One day the rooster said to cat, "I bet I could jump over that mudpuddle and you can't." The cat said, "You're on." The rooster backed up a little bit and ran and jumped all the way across the puddle. The cat backed up and ran and jumped and landed right in the mud puddle.

The moral of this story is for every wet pussy there is a happy cock

A tourist came to an Indian village and met an Indian with one feather on his head.

Tourist: What does that feather mean? Indian1: I fucked one!

Then he went on walking and met an Indian with three feathers on his head.

Tourist: What do those three feathers mean? Indian2: I fucked three!

Then he went on walking again until he met the Indian Chief.

Tourist: What do those feathers mean?
Chief: I fucked many.
Tourist: But isn't that hostile?!
Chief: Dog-style, horse-style, any style!
Tourist: Holy cow!!!
Chief: Cows,dogs,chicken. All of them! Entire village!
Tourist: Oh, dear!
Chief: No deer! They run too fast!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of alcohol at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walking down the road heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilts." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, "I dinna know where ya been laddie...but it's nice ta know ya won first prize!"

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him.

After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr.. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"

"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

An American guy was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy..." remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
" 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mom asking him for his picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her one from the waist up.
His mom wrote back after receiving the photo and said, "Can Grandma have one, too?" The man thought, since Grandma can't see well, I'll give her the bottom half. So he sent it.
After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, "Nice picture, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long."

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

Chinese Dragons
============
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

Facelift
^^^^^^^^
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.

"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!" What's a diaphragm? A trampoline for dickheads.

What's a birth control pill? The other thing a woman can put in her mouth to keep from becoming pregnant.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? When you're driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Do you know what a woman is called who has PMS, ESP, and CNN. A BITCH WHO KNOWS IT ALL - 24 HOURS A DAY!!!!

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

This farmer woke up one morning to find that a few of his animals run away. So he went to the nearest farm to replace them. When he got there he knocked on the door and asked for a chicken. The other farmer said, "Sure you can have a chicken, but around here we call them cocks." Then the farmer asked for a rooster. The other farmer said," Sure you can have a rooster, but around here we call them pull-its." The farmer was about to leave when he realised that he didn't feel like carrying all of his animals. So he asked for a donkey. The other farmer said, "Sure you can have a donkey, but around here we call them asses. Oh and one other thing, if he stops in the middle of the road, scratch his ears, that should get him going again. " So while the farmer was going down the road, his ass stopped, and on the side of the road he saw a beautiful woman. He went up to her and said,"Can you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Mark enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini.
The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".
After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink".
She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."
At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".
"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.
The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

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