Adult

Reno's Adult joke-page
Have A Good Laugh !!	Home

I know I haven't known you for a very long time, and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it badly.

I haven't had it for a very long time.
I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs, and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until its very dry.
It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore.

So..... Can i have a piece of chewing gum?

A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle.

After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.

As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.

The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."

The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"

A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"
"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass. "Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.
The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" "Well yes it is, she answers."

The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke.
"Be my guest," replies Mr Smarty-pants.

So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."

Joe and Moe were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Joe confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."

Goldie, a recent widow, was sitting on a Florida beach near Miami. She was attempting to strike up a conversation with an elderly gentleman who was on a blanket, reading a book.

"Hello, Sir", she interrupted. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you", he responded and turned back to reading his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year", he replied.
"Do you live around?" she asked.
"Yes", he answered, returning to his book.
Goldie persisted..."Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw down his book, jumped up from his blanket, whipped off his swimsuit and hers, and gave her the fuck of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie asked the man, "How did you know that is what I wanted"?

He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz"?

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work period. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You're unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
"Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up.."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says.

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders.
"You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again."

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

A Fifth Grade student has a penis so large, his parents warn him not to have anything to do with girls. They caution him he could easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, the student runs from the class roomsobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,... "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his jeans exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his jeans and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"A foot and a half!? Here, you stir the pasta and I'll go upstairs and take care of Tony!"

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he says.

She thinks, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD.., where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot", to which she replied "Do you know what size you are ?" he said "no".
The girl then said "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are",

The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way

Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says " I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" the girl replies "Do you know what size you are ?" he says "Nope" and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone "Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!"

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

He laid her on the table, So white, so clean and bare, His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, and then drooling, felt her thigh, The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The whole was wide... he looked inside, all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands, stretched out his arms, and then he stuffed the turkey.

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road. He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.
A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.
Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something's help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.
"What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.
The man explained his plight...
The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy!"

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "THIS IS A BIRTHDAY SUIT INSPECTION!!!!!!!! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it.
"DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Noticing that her boss' fly was open, the embarrassed secretary told him, "Your garage door is open."

The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant at first until she pointed. He quickly zipped up and said, "I hope you didn't see my super deluxe Cadillac."

"Nope." she replied. "Just an old pink Volkswagen with 2 flat tires.

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local Pharmasave. He goes up to the clerk and says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabs some Trojans for professionals and tells the chief to come back and tell him how they worked.

The next day the big Chief comes back to the Pharmasave, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go oomph, right nut go oompf, dick go oomph, condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself "Damn, this guy has super ejaculation going on" so he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box read: This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him this, and to come back and tell him how it worked.

The next day the chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's real pissed."

The chief yells "LAST NIGHT ME FUCK SQUAW!! LEFT NUT GO OOMPH!!!!....RIGHT NUT GO OOMPH!!! ..... DICK GO OOMPH!!..... CONDOM GO OOMPH!!!!......... LEFT NUT GO BOOM!!!"

Two young married couples lived in adjoining apartments.
Eventually the woman in the one fell in love with the man in the other, and having discovered their bedrooms were adjacent, they made arrangements to cut a hole through the wall, and upon a pre-arranged set of signals, the man would slide his tool through the hole and they would engage in sexual congress of some sort.

The woman assured the neighbor that because her husband was nearsighted, they could break off and she'd make up some explanation if he awoke. One night the woman awoke to hear wild screaming and other commotion on the other side of the wall, as her husband was returning to bed.

She asked him what was going on, and he told her he thought he heard something in the wall, spotted a mouse hole, and tapped on the wall a few times to see if he could roust the mouse.

Suddenly the biggest mouse he'd ever seen appeared in the hole, and he quickly grabbed his bayonet and jammed it into the hole.
He said the mouse was spurting blood and must have run into the neighbor's apartment causing all the ruckus.

A boy and girl were playing at school one day and the girl asks the boy,"What's a penis?" The boy says, "I don't know ! I'll go home and find out."

At home the boy asks his father the same question and his father brings him into the bathroom. The father pulls down his pants and say's, " Son, this is a penis! As a matter of fact , this is a perfect penis!"The boy say's "ok".

The next day at school the girl asks the boy if he found out what a penis was. He say's "yes", and takes her around the side of the school and pulls down his pants and say's "Jenny, This is a penis! As a matter of fact ,if it were 2 inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis!!

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
I said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Then fuck off."

Brain Teaser Time!
Arnold Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't claim to have one, although everyone knows she really does
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
Bill Clinton uses his all the time........
What is it?

A last name........ Were you thinking of something else?

"The Karate Dog"

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet shop and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

My Dick......
____________

My Dick is so big, right now it's in the other room making us drinks.

My Dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even my dick's dick is bigger than yours.

My Dick is the walrus, koo koo kajoob.

My Dick is so big, I'M it's bitch.

My Dick is so big, U.S. West nailed some fiber optic lines at the top, and I didn't feel it until the next Thursday.

My Dick is so big, when I get a boner,... it affects the tides.

My Dick is so big, the head has only seen the balls in pictures.

My Dick is so big, NASA has launched space probes to find the end.

My Dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie, but I'm too afraid of getting a hard on and choking myself.

My Dick is so big, it won't return Speilbergs phonecalls.

My Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in "small", "medium", "large", and "my dick"

My Dick is so big, there's a shoe called "AIR my dick"

My Dick is so big, I finally figured out a good use for a woman with a big mouth.

My dick is so big, you're standing on it.

My dick is so big, I need a blood transfusion to get fully erect.

My dick is so big, I was standing in Nebraska, and got a blow job in Alabama.

My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of clydesdales to jack me off.

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: All right, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it down far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.

Wife: Yes, honey.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day. One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white. He immediately decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.

A while later, as the sun rises above the beach, two elderly ladies are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his dick sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick around with her cane.

She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world." Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?" The cane-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it." "Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theatre, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Susan. She elbows Lucy and whispers, "Lucy, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Lucy whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Susan says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."

Rob was looking for a little 'action'. He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.
Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times she was still screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Rob told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it."
After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said,
"Look, it's OK - She's not here!"

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:

"Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift." "She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She had only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style." "She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered... "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"

The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"

What did he say?

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Hey Baby

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends she's asleep !"

The Flasher

Three elderly women are sitting in the park on a bench. A flasher stands in front of them and opens his coat, exposing his naked body.

The first elderly lady has a stroke.

The second elderly lady has a stroke too.

But the third elderly lady couldn't quite reach that far....

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal.

He shouted over, "So .. out looking for a little, huh?"

She smiled sweetly and said,

"No, I had 6 years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"

A guy walks a woman to the door after there first date. He asks her if she has had a good time.She tells him yes but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week the guy picks her up for there evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I Rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"and was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes " she moans.

"Well them its time to be selfish". So saying he whips out his penis and gives himself a handjob.

This guy was out hunting one day; he had all the gear, the jacket the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis.
So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it.
When he was ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.
"This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says "Is your brother a doctor too?"

The doc replies "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

A drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a whorehouse.

The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out.
So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants and stuck his penis through the screen.

The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. 'That's not a foot!' she screamed.

The drunk replied, 'Sorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum.'

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the fucking safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," she replies.
"We don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun.
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says,
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he says as he waves the shotgun in a threatening manner. She pries the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband.

"There," he says "It's not that fucking difficult, is it?"

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies,

"That's a good piece of fir." "Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"

The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says,

"Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

It was one of those new singles apartments in Los Angeles. A handsome young bachelor found himself alone in the apartment laundry room with a sexy looking young blonde dressed in a bikini.

The Blonde kept rubbing and bumping up against the boy, trying every pass in the book to strike up a conversation.

Finally in desperation she clicked the door lock and whipped off her bikini bra and dared the boy to make the next move. With shaking nervous fingers, the boy approached the girl and started to say something, but her pouting mouth met his in a sizzling wet kiss, muffling his words with a fury of passion, ending with both undressing and making love on the concrete floor.

A short while later as the girl was getting back into her bikini, she smiled knowingly at her recent lover and asked, "Tell me, what were you about to say when all hell broke loose?"

"It was simply this," the young bachelor said climbing back into his trousers. "I was out of soap powder ... I wanted to borrow your box of detergent!"

Unscheduled dentist appointment

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist,
"The gynecologist's office is one level higher."
To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms.
I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.
The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour", and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"
"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.

The groom was a little self conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out "I told you not to peek!"

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner.

I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells,"Ha Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!"

A long suffering wife decides to take revenge for her husband's infidelity. She is still fuming over his latest indiscretion. While her husband is asleep, she gets a large carving knife from the kitchen and returns to the bedroom.
Very carefully she lifts up the duvet and with a swish of the knife she cuts his dick clean off.

To make her revenge complete she takes the severed penis and throws it out of the window.

At that moment a van driver is on his way to work with his companion when this willy slaps against the windscreen and then bounces onto the road.

The driver turned to his mate and said "Did you see the size of the cock on that fly"

Silas and Sally were out in the cornfield happily humping away. It had rained that morning and there was lots of mud on the ground and they found themselves sliding around a bit in the mud.

"Say, Honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" Silas asked. Sally felt around and said, "Why, Silas, it's in the mud!"

"Well, put it back in you," he replied.

After a while, Silas asked again, "Honey, is it in you or in the mud?"

"In me, honey. In me," Sally cooed happily.

"Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"

Man came to work Monday with two black eyes. "Where did you get them black eyes?" a co-worker asked.

"In church," the man replied. "As we were standing," the man continued, "I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me was stuck up the crack of her ass. So, I pulled it out. She turned and belted me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get the second black eye?"

"Evidently, she didn't like me pulling her dress out of the crack of her ass, so I pushed it back."

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up." he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

RRIIIPPPP!!!!

First time 10-year-old Lucy ever left the city was a visit to her aunt and uncle's farm, and she was just amazed at all the marvels they had there. She could hardly sleep that first night, and, determined to show her relatives that THIS city-slicker could quickly adapt and be helpful, she arose before anyone else, to go out to the barn and do some milking.

Awhile later, her cousin sleepily made his way to the barn to do his milking chores, and, sure enough, found Lucy sitting there on a stool, just milking to beat all. She grinned up at him. "Surprised?" she asked with some smugness.

"Yeah," he replied, "but probably not as surprised as that bull you've got ahold of."

This country boy decides that he is going to get an education in the big city but his first week there he blows his tuition on gambling, drinking, and women. (Not necessarily in that order.) Fearing his parents reaction, he gets on the phone and call home. "Pappy. You wouldn't believe all the wonderful things they have at this wonderful college here. They've got this special class where they teach dogs how to talk. I want you to send our hound dog Clarence up here so he can learn how to talk." The father was quite impressed and shipped the dog up along with the money for a second tuition. When it came time to come home, the country boy was now faced with trying to explain why the dog could not talk so before getting on the train home he shot the dog dead. When he returned, the father asked where Clarence was.

"Well Pappy, when Clarence learned to talk he said you were a lying snake in the grass and that you were sleeping around with other women."

"Well I hope you shot the dog dead son!" exclaimed the father.

"Shore did Pappy."

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.
Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her.

The first country boy drops his coveralls, bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt.
The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other:

"You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works great."

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight.
Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'

To this, the eye doctor responded, 'I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

CLUES

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People �� sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.. I'm called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker.� I'm better in your hand than in your bush.

The Answers to Sexual Tension Quiz
1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
14. bird

A woman had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell� coffee ad, and it said; Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home� her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE".

So Mother was happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through.� When it did the message was simply BRITISH AIRWAYS".� Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad.� She found one and fainted.

The ad read:� "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A doctor was sitting in his office one day, when a man came in and said "Doc, I have a wife and 2 kids and I have only been married 2 years. I don't need anymore kids. What can you do for me?". The doctor looks it up in his medical book and finds this entry:

Subject: Man with 2 kids
Problem: Want's no more kids
Solution: Remove left testicle

He tells the man, who agrees, and the operation is performed. The next year the same man shows up again, and tells the doctor "Doc, I have been married 3 years and I now have 3 kids! You gotta do something!" The doctor looks it up in his medical book and finds this entry:

Subject: Man with 3 kids
Other Data: Left testicle removed
Problem: Want's no more kids
Solution: Remove right testicle

He tells this to the man, who agrees, and the operation is performed. The next year the same man shows up again, and tells the doctor "Doc, your plan didn't work. I have been married 4 years and I now have 4 kids! What are you going to do now?" The doctor looks it up in his medical book and finds this entry:

Subject: Man with 4 kids
Other Data: Left & Right testicles removed
Problem: Want's no more kids
Solution: Castrated wrong damned Man!!!!!

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me,

"Soph, you've got no tits and a tight box."

So I said to him, "Ernie, get off my back!"

Little Red Riding Hood was a bout to leave for the forest when her mother stopped her and said:

"You better watch out Little Red Riding Hood. There's a wolf in the woods, and if he catches you he'll pull up your little dress, pull down your little panties and fuck you until you're blue in the face and your socks fly off your feet."

Little Red Riding Hood said "No he won't I have a gun." and with that off she went. When she was in the woods the wolf came up to her and said
"Little Red Riding Hood I'm gonna pull up your dress, pull down your little panties and fuck you until your blue in the face and your socks fly off your feet."

She said "Oh no your not. I have a gun. Your gonna pull up my dress, pull down my panties, and eat me like the story says"

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding day came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

A Doctor's Phone Rang at home at Three O'Clock in the morning. Sleepily he answered "Hello?" A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a condom." The Doctor said, "Take him to the Hospital and I'll meet you just as soon as I get there." He started putting on his clothes and was just getting ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered "Hello?" A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's alright Doctor, we found another one, never mind."

How to impress a woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her... >>> How to impress a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a Humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, This time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her Husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room.
The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.
The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens.
He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him.
A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back,
"Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
"Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky huh?"
"Well... not exactly...I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honourable sir: You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree. Not see. NO FEE.

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest halfway through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my dick, crapped on my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

Guy walks into a bar. Immediately, he fixates on a gorgeous brunette sitting alone in the corner. He sits down, orders a few drinks, and finally musters up the courage to approach the girl.

He stammers to the girl, "Excuse me, but you are absolutely gorgeous. What's your name?"

She replies very smoothly, "We both know what you're really here for. The question is, can you handle it?"

"Yeah, sure baby...I can handle whatever you've got.", he says.

"Do you want to smell the hottest juiciest pussy that you'll ever smell in your entire life?", she asks.

The guy can't believe his good fortune. "Why, of course I do."

So, she gets up, approaches him, leans over, and breathes in his face!

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

There was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.

The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw. "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like."

"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.

"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."

" And what happened after that?"

"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Pierre et Marie
***************

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out or a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever.

Then, one of them got an idea, saying "I know, let's play swords!"

"Play swords?" asked the other. "How?" "Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's hard, and we both whack'em together like swords."

So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smacking their dicks together playing swords.

Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions.

"We're playing swords!" yelled one of the bums.

The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becoming exhausted. "I'm tired," he said. He bent over saying, "Oh just kill me!, kill me!!"

Sandwich Making
***************

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realising he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he had ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read: 'Manicures - 25 cents.'

"Why not!" the salesman said to himself. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read: 'This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 cents.'

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons - has to work hard; - has to work at great depths; - has to work upside down; - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work; - has to work in a high humidity environment; - has to work at high temperatures; - does not get weekends and holidays off; - does not get time off after extra hours of work; - has a hazardous work environment that often causes �� professional sickness. Request denied for the following reasons - does not work 8 hours in a row; - does not answer immediately to all requests; - does not have a degree; - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work; - shows no fidelity to the workplace; - retires too early; - does not work at all unless pushed from behind; - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

A woman left the crematorium carrying her husband's ashes in a small box.�
Stopping by the door, she opens the box and took a pinch of the ashes up each nostril like snuff.

"What on earth did you do that for?", asked her friend.

"Well, you see Marrl, now he's been up every hole."

There was a widow and widower living next to each other. They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked? the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning.

They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down." Being? nice, he wanted to let her decide.

The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.

Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.

That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river. As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."

"Down," the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork.
"Up or down," the man asked.
"Up,"the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"

"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'"

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.

The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know,and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon. As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable� Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered

"Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied,

"How did you know my name was Katz?"

A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.

He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna screw for that?"

She thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

The Face Lift
*************

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. But the leathersmith presented to him only a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet? " exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied,

"I think her orgasm's stuck!"

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!..................

So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public address system,

"Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins........

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas can't stand to bested. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!

A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud;
"Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing an give them a try.
After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you I can guess the colour of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "what colour do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked?
"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots", he said.
"Here," she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what colour she has on".
After dancing a while the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the new lady,
"What colour panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good, for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During his inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

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More jokes ? What about a peek in the archive ?